Today My Life Begins

There is one day every woman plans for. The day every little girl dreams of, a day full of white lace, sparkles, hope, and love. Like most women, from the time I was a  young girl, I knew every detail of my wedding day. Or so I thought I did. I envisioned my Mom helping me get ready for the biggest day of my life, helping me button and bustle my dress, pulling back my hair, and telling me numerous times how absolutely beautiful I am and what a gorgeous bride I was. I pictured my Dad wiping his tears as he escorted me down the aisle to the love of my life, the man that would replace him as the man in my life.

On April 12, 2014 this day I had dreamed of became a reality. My reality was a bit different than what I had dreamed of. While the day may not have gone exactly as I had previously envisioned, I can say with complete honesty it went even better. This day, more than others reminded me how fortunate I am to be blessed with an amazing support system. For months, as the wedding day got closer, I had been able to push through. To forget the pit in my stomach, to ignore the throbbing pain in my heart, the small twinge of pain I felt every time I was reminded my Mom wouldn't be at my wedding, or my father. I have grown up for a large portion of my life without my mother, and most days it is tolerable, but planning a wedding without your parents is rough. Bracing yourself for the questions that are unavoidable while holding back the tears that want so desperately to fall. "No flowers for the mother of the bride?",   "What color dress is the mother of the bride wearing?", "Which song will you be dancing to for the father daughter dance?".  On my wedding day, the tears I had held back for so long were unable to do so anymore. I cried as I pinned my mothers picture to my bouquet for her to be with me for the walk down the aisle, I cried as I looked at myself in the mirror in my wedding dress and realized how very much I looked like my mother. Tears fell even harder as every guest reminded me of that fact. I cried as I grabbed my mom's brothers arm to escort down the aisle to get married. Grateful for someone who loves me to be walking with me, but sad as I was bitterly reminded my father wasn't the one beside me. And boy oh boy did I cry, in fact I sobbed as I saw Lou waiting at the altar for me. Each step closer to Lou, and each tear that fell down my face represented the pain I had held in for so many years. I cried for my past, and who wasn't there; my mother and father, but I also cried tears of joy as I walked to my future. This walk down the aisle symbolized a new beginning, an official start to a new life, and a time to leave the old life behind. On my wedding day, I was able to literally and figuratively leave the past behind.  I have no doubts that my Mom was there with me, from the moment I woke up and saw the sun shining, on the most beautiful day of the year so far, I knew she was there. I know she was probably telling me to stop crying because I was ruining my makeup, reminding me to smile and show off all those years of orthodontic torture. I know she was there as each tear that fell from my eyes, telling me to savor every moment of today and every day. To take it all in and appreciate every second. To enjoy my future with the man who has helped to remind me of what love is and how to be loved.  I know she was there, thanking Lou for loving her daughter and for being there for me in the ways she no longer can. She was there, and she will always be; "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."
As one door closes, another opens. And this door is gleaming full of new opportunities and experiences. My wedding day ended up being everything I had hoped for and more. I am blessed to have married my bestfriend, and I gained not only a husband, but an amazing set of parents, and a brother. Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want, but it gives you what you need. I am lucky enough to finally have both.
It is great to dream, but every so often reality ends up being even better than what you dreamed of. Most fairytales have one major similarity, they all have a happy ending. This fairytale, my fairytale, is instead focusing only on its happy beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today my life begins.

One Step Closer

The new year. A fresh page, a fresh start, another chance it get it all right. This is my year, a year full of big and exciting changes. Everyone refers to to the new year as a time to start over, with a clean slate. This is the year for me to do all of those things, and in the biggest, most positive way imaginable. This is the year that we will begin our journey to having a baby and becoming parents. This is the year  I will say "I do" in the most literal sense. In a mere 68 days I will become a wife. . This is the year I get to change not only my last name, marital and parental status but the year my happily ever after begins. All beginnings must come from another beginnings end, and for me this is the most pristine time to allow myself to close the chapters of my life that a part of the past, a part of my story that has led me to where I am now, but does not allow me to fully move forward until I can leave it behind and turn the page.

Naturally with my wedding approaching rapidly, I am filled with a small feeling of bitter sweetness, while I am completely excited and counting down to the big day, the harsh realization that my father not being the one to walk me down the aisle was initially upsetting. After all I have experienced and all the hurt and pain I have because of him, it is still every little girls vision to be walked down the aisle by her crying father, as she sees the pain of her Daddy giving her away to another man becomes reality. Sadly, my father gave me away years ago, and the only one crying was me. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have my uncle, my mother's youngest brother accompanying me on the most important walk of my life. He will be the man who gets the honor of walking me down the aisle to my loving future husband, the man who dries my tears  of joy and hands me over to the man who loves me unconditionally ; the role my father is missing out on. I can not help but feel saddened knowing my mom will not be there physically to share in my special day. While my mother will not be sitting amongst my favorite people in the world, I know she will be there. She will be there in every smile, every tear drop, and every sound of laughter. She will be there while I am getting dressed, while I am staring down the aisle to my future and walking towards my new life. She will be the whisper in my ear, telling me I am the most beautiful bride she has ever seen, I know it because she is with me. "I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart." She is already the biggest part of this fairy tale of mine because I know in my heart of hearts that she led me to Lou and gave me the one man who has fixed me in every sense of the word. He has filled the empty parts of my heart with more compassion and love than anyone I have ever known. Every heartache and ounce of pain my past has caused has led me to Lou, and I thank my mother for that.

While it is hard to not  think of who will not be there, it is much easier thanks to those who will be and have gone above and beyond already to make sure my wedding day is the best day of my life. My sister, my maid of honor, has gone above and beyond her role to ensure that I feel as loved and special as any bride should. My bridesmaids, my friends, Lou's family, and my family have helped to make sure that the void of my moms presence is filled with the extreme amounts of love and support they have all offered, and for that I am beyond grateful.

"Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale."To me, this walk down the aisle will be a walk away from the past and towards my new beginning. Each step down the aisle is one step closer to the start of my fairy tale.  My happily every after begins now.

Anchors Away

It's here. The holiday season is upon us. For many, it is a time of joy and happiness. A time to enjoy your loved ones and the moments spent with them. For others, such as myself, it is often a time of bittersweetness. A time that reminds me of my losses and emptiness. A time that hurts in a way many may never understand.  Every holiday I am surrounded by a group of happy loving people, but the only thing I can feel is the pain.  The pain of remembering and longing for the Christmases spent with my family. The pain of wishing my Mom was here to be part of these new memories. I need to remind myself that she is. She is, in a way bigger and better than I can ever imagine. She is a part of me that can never be forgotten or replaced. I can see a part of her anytime I want, by smiling in the mirror, and when my child is born in their eyes. It's time to stop longing for the past and live in the present, creating new joys. Each tear and moment spent missing something you can not get back is a moment that could have been happiness.
As a child, Christmas is associated with gifts, but this year is the first year I am discovering the absolute truest meaning of Christmas. This year I am asking Santa for one gift and one gift only. You see, this Christmas I am going to ask for the simplest of things. My list this year is for a pair of scissors. Yes, a pair of scissors. I can once and for all cut the anchor that is holding me down.  I have so very very much to be grateful for and I am honestly filled with an abundance of love and excitement for my present and future but there is still a part of my past that is pulling me back, like an anchor dragging me down. Grief is a burden, and an anchor, holding me down. It is time to let go, to move forward, realize that the present is exactly what it's called; a gift. I will remember the good times, but let go of the bad. "Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."
This holiday season I am giving. Giving gifts to myself. The gift of forgiveness, not only to those who have hurt or wronged me, but to myself. It is time to forgive myself for things that are out of my control, for the things that can not be changed no matter how hard I have tried. This year I have created a grown up Christmas list. I am asking for the one thing that no one can give to me. It is gift that I need to give myself. I need to let go of the past and the pain and hurt that comes with it. To allow myself the chance to be utterly and truly happy. I have all I need to be happy, a wonderful fiancee and his incredible family. I am so incredibly blessed and lucky to be marrying into such a great family. A job that I love, an upcoming wedding, and soon enough a bundle of joy will be here. The ultimate gift will be you, my sweet baby. It may take a million people to fill the world, but only one is needed to fill mine. I long for you in a manner that no one will ever know. I need you in a way that no one will ever truly understand. You are so loved and you aren't even on your way to being here yet. So until that little package gets here, my only wish is for the scissors. We all carry things inside of us, things that no one else can know or see that hold us down like anchors. Time to cut; I refuse to sink.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

         Such a powerful phrase that is eerily true for every situation. Everything must have an end, a finish. Everything has an end, but it also provides an opportunity for something different, perhaps something better. Every day ends, but is followed by a brand new one. Every end has a chance to change, a chance to get it right.  Every season comes to an end, but brings a new season of change. Just like the seasons, people change. People who were once the closest people in your world, can become strangers over time. People change, and sometimes we are not part of the process. Sometimes we need to just accept it and move on. Letting go and moving on does not mean you are giving up, it means you are accepting that things that cannot be the way you want or need them to be. I may not be the person I once was, but I am who I am today because of my reactions to changes. 

         This past week presented several opportunities of change for me. My grandparents house, which has been on the market for nearly two years since my grandfather passed, sold. Walking through the empty house that was once filled with such happy memories was bittersweet. Memories that included my mother and my grandparents, who are all no longer with us. Remembering times of being young and carefree, playing wiffle ball with all of my cousins in the yard, playing board games where winning or losing was the biggest problem in our young lives. Not knowing that in time, we would all grow up and these memories may be all we have left, that not all of us would be here to continue making these memories. Everyone has changed, we have all grown up and our lives have all been impacted by various situations through the years, like the loss of my mother and grandparents. But we all have the memories, memories that were created in this house, but are not stored here. We are able to all walk away with a piece of this house, the stories, the laughter, and the tears that were started here. A house is merely a piece of construction, the real foundation is the times, both good and bad that were made here and will live in all of our hearts forever. 

     Change is inevitable, it will happen whether or not we are ready for it. But if things never changed, there would be no butterflies. So embrace the changes in your life and hold onto what you have and welcome what will come from it. Looking and moving forward to all of the new and exciting changes that are right around the corner. 

Make a Wish

"Make a wish!" This week I blew out 31 candles on a cake. 31 years of memories, both happy and sad and the only thing I could think of on this birthday was that I am now only 8 years away from the age when my Mom's life ended. How on her last birthday there were only 8 more candles then on mine this year. I couldn't help but do the math quickly in my head, knowing that I have now almost out lived my mother. And that on my next birthday I will have lived the same amount of years without my mother as I did with her in my life. Why, on such a "happy" day was this all I could concentrate on? Why was I continuously glancing at my phone and secretly wishing my father or brother would call, even though I knew that phone would never ring? Why was I making a mental list of who wasn't calling ?? I instead attempted to concentrate on the people who are here and what the next year of my life will bring. That this will be my last birthday as Colleen Drenth, because by my next birthday I will be Colleen Parise. I instead thought that in two more years I will have a baby(or two) on my lap helping me blow out the candles. I reminded myself to be content and at peace with all the greatness and happiness I do have. This is my year. It is the year that not only my last name will change but I will too. This is the year I lose weight not only on a scale, but off my shoulders, shedding negativity.  

I am going to break every cardinal rule of birthdays and tell you what I wished for this year. I wished for a year full of happiness and good memories, a year where I attempt to let go fully of all the extra stress and regrets I still hold on to tightly. Like a small child holding tightly to a balloon and releasing it into the air, I am releasing these negative aspects of life. So my wish for this year is one I can make come true all on my own. First and foremost, surround myself with people who offer me as much as I offer them. Worry more and concentrate more on what I have already then what I do not have. Life is too short to be anything less than happy. 

After this birthday, a vivid memory from childhood kept playing in my mind. When I was younger my mother had a cookie jar that had been given to her by my grandmother. It was ugly and outdated and my mother had said on numerous occasions that she didn't even like it. It had been dropped and cracked in several spots. Each and every time it broke, she would quietly take out the glue and piece it all together slowly and surely, although it never got put back to perfect as hard as she tried. I watched her as she stuck each piece on, meticulously and as carefully as she could, getting frustrated that each piece was not returning to its original spot with the perfection she so desired. I wondered why someone would waste so much time attempting to fix something that they weren't even fond of. When I questioned her as to why she was fixing it, she responded with a smile that some things are just worth fixing, and putting back together. After a while I realized that this advice is more true and could be applied to much bigger scenarios in life. I am always the one to grab the "glue" and attempt to put it back together. I am always the one to attempt to fix things and situations, to avoid conflict and upset in my life as I have already endured enough. This year I have decided that I am done gluing and piecing things back together. It reminds me that you can spend time attempting to piece things back to being close to what they were or you can leave the pieces and move on. This year I am realizing not everything will have a happy ending, but that is life. My story has started and I am just simply moving on to the next chapter :)

The Crystal Ball

     

 When I picture a psychic, I picture someone dripped in jewels and scarves with a head wrap on, their hands cupping a large magic crystal ball in the center of the table, the smell of incense filling the room. Walking into my appointment with a psychic medium this past week, I was full of doubts and disbeliefs but left full of hope and a sense of calm I haven't felt in years. I want to believe so very desperately that all of it is true, that there is another place where our loved ones who are no longer with us are able to still be with us. That when I see or hear something in my weakest moments that it is then that is my Mom comforting me with the reminder she is not truly gone.  The psychic asked me to bring photographs (I knew taking all those pictures would serve a purpose! J) so I carefully selected pictures of my Mom and I, as well as my father and I, my siblings, Lou and I, and my close friends. I walked in reminding myself to be brave and keep my reactions shielded, to not “give away” too much. As I walked up to the door, my heart was beating rapidly and booming within my chest. Thoughts rushed quickly through my mind as I reached up for the doorbell.  What if my Mom didn’t come through to me? What if I wasn’t living my life the way it was planned? Will I get my wish of becoming a mother through surrogacy? As my finger pushed down on the doorbell I realized I was more scared of what I would hear that what I may not. Walking in I almost laughed to myself as it was nothing close to what I had envisioned.  There was a smell of apple pie, children in a room down the hall laughing and playing, and the woman sitting across the reading table looked like someone I would sit across the table and have coffee with. I was no longer intimidated or scared; I was intrigued and ready to hear what was in store for me. The reading took an hour and for an hour I sat quietly, jotting down notes as tears streamed down my face. She told me things that confirmed to me that my Mom is still here, things that even my closest friends wouldn’t know. She reassured me that Lou is the one I am supposed to be with, and that we are going to make excellent parents together one day soon. I didn’t need a psychic to tell me that life is exactly as it should be, that every decision has lead me to where I am today, and that I am fully capable of handling whatever else may come my way. I just needed someone to remind me that I am doing okay. That I am making strides to fulfilling my destinies. I didn’t need someone to tell me that there are good events in store for me, but I needed reassurance. I needed hope, something to hold on to.

      So, believe or don’t believe that is your choice. For numerous years of my childhood I was able to believe a flying fairy came at night to remove a tooth placed under my pillow, a giant rabbit hopped through my home while I was sleeping and left candy and hid eggs, and a large, jolly man slid down my chimney again while I am sleeping and placed gifts under a tree. Belief is a gift in itself. The possibilities are endless, and the results of your beliefs are hope. Hope and faith are good things, maybe the best of things, and once you choose hope and have faith, anything becomes possible. 

Say "Cheese"

"Say cheeeeeseeee." 

Those words were heard often throughout my childhood. My mom would chase us around like paparazzi, snapping photographs of my siblings and I like it was her job. Always on the other side of the lens, when she died I was left wishing I had chased her around a bit more, taken more photographs of her so that I could remember her. Now, fourteen years later I am left flipping through the album only present in my mind. Wishing I had something to look at daily to keep her vibrantly alive. I am instead feeling my Mom and the memories I have of her fading away. Today, I have become the camera fanatic. Clicking away at every event, at every holiday, hoping to hold onto to these memories for more than the brief seconds, minutes, and hours they last for. The annoying one on the other end of the lens, soaking in each moment and finding comfort in the shots that will last a lifetime. Even guilty of the occasional "selfie," portraits of myself, so that these too can serve a purpose. To remind me of a time where I was happy and carefree and loving every moment given to me. To show my children in the future that there is always something to smile about. That no matter what life threw at me, I responded with a smile. This week I even manages to muster up the courage to face my fear and release some of the bitterness I have against Babies R Us. :) Nothing wrong with the store full of adorable baby clothing and supplies except the wave of emotions that rush over me every time I walk in. "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" was my quote as I happily explored my store of doom with my friends and didn't feel the urge to cry or need to leave. "One small step for Colleen, one giant leap for infertility" ;) Another memory for the book <3

 Often I am the brunt of jokes and comments about my abundance of photographs and to that my sole response is that I am capturing life. Pictures capture moments that may be gone forever, but can now be remembered for that much longer. Pictures are moments frozen in time forever, so long after the event one can reflect on that particular time. Through photographs, I am able to share my memories, my happiest moments with my unborn children and ensure that they never have to experience the emptiness and pain of feeling me, their mother, slip away from their memory long after I have left this Earth. These memories can never fade, say cheese my friends :)