Cleaning out the closet

          It's that time of year, the time all of us who suffered through the cold, bitter, New England winter have been not so patiently waiting for. Spring has arrived! Spring is the time for renewal, and a time for change. Many of us use the arrival of Spring as a time to clean. A time to clear away the snow, the shovels, and the boots, and watch as flowers bloom and blossom.  To pack away the coats,gloves, and mittens and embrace the promise of warmer weather.  I love the feeling of opening the windows and airing out the winter months, letting the clean fresh breeze fill the house. I get a feeling of excitement organizing my closet, as I put away all of the bulky winter clothes and suddenly feel as though I have a brand new wardrobe in front of me. All of the dark, heavy clothes are replaced by bright, cheery ones. Each year I always find several items that have been forgotten about as they fell behind the thick wool sweaters. Have you ever found a shirt in the way back of your closet, that you forgot was there because it was out of sight and you overlooked it? How wonderful of a feeling to throw on that shirt and wear it as if you had just purchased it. Sometimes we are so busy focusing on people and situations that we fail to see other "shirts" that are in the back of the closet.

           I love Spring cleaning, but the one thing I forget to do every year, is to clean out my life. Yes, my life. Spring is a time to start anew, so why not leave those behind who are weighing us down? Those who no longer need to be a part of our "closet". I pride myself on my thoughtfulness and my kindness. I am the first to reach out to people, I am the first to send a card , to be there for someone in their time of need. To lend a helping hand, or a shoulder to cry on. I love being silly and making people laugh, because laughter truly is the best medicine. There comes a time where you have to look around and see who is willing to do these things for you. Who dries your tears? Who cheers you on from the sidelines? My mother always used to tell me to think of who I would call at 3 a.m. if I was stranded on the side of the road. Who would answer? Who would come to your aid? While the good hearted optimist in me would like to think everyone in my life would do this, sadly I know the truth.  It is in both the worst and best of times that people will allow you to view a different side of them. I have had several opportunities in my life to see people's true colors exposed, and for some it is not a shade I am fond of. I want to fill my life with bright, happy, positive people. I am no longer interested in having anyone or anything in my life  that doesn't make any effort to be a part of mine. Just as the seasons change, people change.Sometimes it so hard for us to see past who we want someone to be that we forget to see them as they are. People and situations change so that we can learn to let go. We can clean them out of our lives and make room for bigger and better things. What a wonderful thought that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet. The best is yet to come.

          Use this new season to make yourself a priority. Being selfish is the best advice I can give. Not selfish in a negative sense, but possess a selfishness that shines through in your strides to be the person you want to be. You need to make yourself happy before anyone else can. Being a parent requires you to be the best that you can be. Having children changes everything, and it is a change we are ready and longing for. Suddenly, this tiny little person will become the center of our lives. This child will look to us for love and support. Why not use this time before we have children to ensure that we are the best that we can be? Utilize this time to ensure that we can offer our child two strong, loving parents? Our child deserves to be the center of our  family, and our child will be. Everyday I am continuing to strive to be the best version of myself because I deserve it, my husband, family, and friends deserve it. Because our baby deserves it. This is a huge part of what to expect when you're NOT expecting.

           I am working on clearing out my "closet", my life, my mind. I have been working on focusing my time and energy on those people and situations that are worthy of it. Those people who have been there, in my corner, every step of the way. Getting married, we took vows, "for better or for worse", which is the most important to me. This should be the standard for all relationships in your life, with everyone important to you. It's those who stick by our sides and loved us when we felt as though we had nothing to offer. Those are the relationships that last, that are true and everlasting. Those are the shirts I have moved to the front and center of my closet.

So go ahead, grab the broom and partake in some spring cleaning. Sweep, sweep! 

Even Superheroes Need Saving

           As children we mindless sat and watched cartoons and movies that revolved around similar plots. We learned quickly that it is bad versus evil, and good always prevails. We are taught that it is always the strong versus the weak, and any weak person can be saved by the strong. A person in distress can be saved by a super hero. But who saves the superheroes? Super heroes are great role models for children, heck, even for adults. Brave, strong, selfless people who would do anything for anyone at anytime. Our whole lives we have been taught to idolize strong people, and take pity on the weak. We strive to be superheroes, each and every one of us.  We may not be able to fly or become invisible, but, we all possess the qualities that are characterized by superheroes. We all have super powers, whether it is being able to make someone laugh in any situation, or dry someone's tears when they are crying. We all possess the ability to be a superhero.
          I may not be a superhero, but, I can identify with an ordinary person when presented with a crisis or difficult situation, can find the power within to triumph over it. My entire life I have been a fighter. I have overcome many hard times and struggles and became a better person because of each and every obstacle presented to me. I pride myself on being a strong individual, on being optimistic and able to remain positive even when faced with difficult situations. Being strong is a wonderful quality one can possess, but a tiring one. There comes a time when even superheroes need saving.
       I debated long and hard about this post. But, as I debated, it dawned on me. This is a blog to capture what to expect when you are not expecting. I did expect to feel every and all emotions; sometimes more than one at a time. I expected to be stressed, to be upset, to be angry, to cry, to laugh. I didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed, anxiety ridden, and like I was drowning in a sea of my own emotions. I decided to share my struggle as a way to throw out the life preserver. I found myself having a difficult time wanting to do the things I enjoyed, avoiding people and social situations. Each moment of despair was validated by a useless reason; "the holidays are hard without my Mom", "seeing pregnancy announcements upset me", "My husband being laid off is stressful;". While all of these reasons may be justifiable, they are no reason to become withdrawn or having panic attacks. I was angry at myself for being so sad when I had so much to be happy for. A new marriage, a new house, a new dog. The things I had longed for my whole life are finally here and instead of  dancing around with glee, I was sitting in pajamas on my couch alone watching Glee.  I told myself it was a phase, that I would snap out of it. Fighters do that, they don't tap out. So, like many other times, I kept fighting. Why was I trying so very hard to fight a battle within myself?  I convinced myself that I was strong, stronger than what I was feeling. How could I have been through all  I had so far and be this weak? Because if you aren't strong, you are weak, right? If you aren't the superhero doing the saving then that makes you the weak being saved?  Wrong. So very wrong.
        In keeping up with my strong persona, I did the strongest thing I could think of. I sought help. Life is stressful, and there are so many things that we simply do not have the ability to control. With medication, it helps with the stress of the little things so I can continue to focus on the big. I have been so conditoned to believe that one can not be defined as strong if they are acting so weak. When in reality, the strongest people I know are those who know how to handle any situation, and how to survive. There is nothing weak at all about admitting you have a problem, and the bravest, most courageous thing anyone can ever do is find a solution for it.

I shared this story, my story, to remind us all that everyone is fighting something. It may not be a villain you can see. Sometimes the hardest villains to overcome are the ones within. The ones we all put on our masks to fight, walk around smiling and playing the role while inside we are fighting something no one else can see.
Remember, even a super hero needs help tying his cape ;)

Today, I am thankful...

      The holidays have become a time to think about what we do not have and what we need. We have become overcome with desires and wants. The holiday season has lost its meaning. No longer are we satisfied and content with the present, instead we focus on the presents. As kids we make lists; pages and pages long of things, items we need and want. We as adults, we are constantly running around buying and purchasing things and creating lists of what we need to get and buy and do. I myself am guilty, always making lists. Grocery lists of food we need to buy, lists of bills we need to pay, lists of dates we need to remember for commitments we have upcoming. Ask any child for what they want for the holidays and within seconds you can have a 20 page list of ideas. Even asking my husband I was given a list quickly of items he wanted and needed; new sneakers, clothes, electronics. As he asked me mine, I could honestly not produce a list. Each year when asked, my response is similar; "I don't really want anything, I don't really need anything." But this year, for the very first time in 32 years, that statement is absolutely true. I suppose the one thing I could really want is more. More time with all my loved ones, more laughs with my friends, more memories. The things we all truly want can not possibly be wrapped and topped with a bow.

After all the talk of lists I began to think; why not a list of what I already have? Although we do not have kids yet, we have decided to begin a tradition that in the future we can pass on and do with our kids when they are here. After the list to Santa of what we want, a list of what we are thankful for. We spend a mere one day of the year, 1 out of 365, to give thanks. Why not more? Let's remind our family, our friends, and ourselves for that matter of what we have, rather than what we need. 

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

This past year has truly been amazing and provided me with many wonderful opportunities.There have been some difficulties thrown our way this year, but I am even thankful for that. Those hard times have reminded me to appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives. Some people have shown their true colors, which have become shades we aren't interested in coloring our lives with. We have been humbly reminded that everything happens for a reason, some reasons just take a little while longer to become known. But this year, more than any other before,  I have so much to be thankful for. I married the love of my life and gained not only a husband but a brother, nephew, and for the first time in a long time, parents :)  We ourselves became "parents" and adopted a rescue dog who I honestly think saved our lives just as much as we saved his. And as of October 29th, we became homeowners! We recently purchased a house and couldn't be any happier and more excited for all of the possibilities of future memories. With a year full of such great joys and this list of what I am thankful for , how can I possibly come up with a list of anything I want? 

This year, the journey to parenthood has continued, by becoming more widely heard. I have been presented with so many wonderful opportunities to increase the audience for the blog, and share my story with more women and couples. I was fortunate enough to be interviewed on WTNH by the talented, Ann Nyberg, to discuss my blog; (http://wtnh.com/2014/07/23/what-to-expect-when-youre-not-expecting/). I was also honored to be named Blogger of the Year by Thebabyspot.ca; (http://thebabyspot.ca/2014-blogger-colleen-drenth/ ) and be interviewed on their site (http://thebabyspot.ca/interview-with-our-blogger-of-the-year-colleen-drenth/). I was also blessed to be featured in a two page article featuring my story and blog in the number one fertility magazine; Fertility Road! So many people have been asking when the next step towards becoming parents will happen, and as much as we can not wait to become parents, we are taking the time to enjoy the now and being married." Eat, drink, and be married?" ;)

Now it is your turn, grab a pen and paper. So, go ahead, as you are jotting down your holiday lists, make THE list. What in your life are you thankful for? 

"There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for." 

All I Ever Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?

 Back to school time is upon us, and I find myself feeling a bit nostalgic as I watch all of the students boarding their buses, off to the place where some of the most important lessons are learned. I, like many of you, could not wait to grow up and be an adult. If only I knew then what I know now. Gone are the days where your biggest problem was who you were eating lunch with and if you could convince your parents to let you have a sleepover this upcoming weekend. In such a rush to grow up, I failed to see the important lessons being presented to me on a daily basis. Looking back, I realize these lessons and the importance they still have in our lives as adults. The truth is, the learning never stops once we are done with school. It just carries over into the real lessons, in the classroom of life. So class, here's a chalkboard of ideas....

1. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. The "Golden Rule" so many teachers drilled into our minds still rings true today. It's that basic and simple. Be nice to one another, talk to people with the respect and kindness you wish to receive. Be kind. Every one you meet is fighting a battle you may not be aware of.

2. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. If I had a dollar for each time that phrase was spoken to me as a child I would be hanging along side Bill Gates cruising on my yacht. This quote speaks true to many. Why do we feel the need as adults to be so rude to one another? To speak ABOUT someone when we could be speaking TO them? Why must someone speak poorly about someone else, putting them down, rather than building them up? Be nice or be quiet.

3. Along the same lines, I have learned that some people are always going to have something to say, and you can not please everyone. So instead,  please yourself.  Do not succumb to people's hurtful and vindictive words, instead view them as a reflection of their own internal struggles. But do not fight fire with fire as they say. Do not be mean in return, sit back and let it burn out. No one should spend their lives as a "firefighter", constantly battling these fires either. So know when to cut ties and when to walk away. Some people are in your lives as lessons themselves, so learn what you can from them and the situation and be done.

4. Do not judge a book by it's cover. Unless of course, that book is the dictionary, then judge away because it is just a bunch of words and definitions; BORINGGGGG. I myself am guilty of this, it is so much easier to make assumptions based on what we do not know rather than take the time to get to know someone and then base an honest opinion. Everyone knows what they say about assumptions........If you do not take the time to get to know someone, the only assumptions you should be making should be about yourself and assume that you are anti-social ;)

5. It is better to give than it is to receive. So extremely true, whether it is as generic as a gift or as simple as a compliment. Giving a little piece of yourself to someone will never be a bad thing. In the spirit of giving, remember it is presence, not presents that will fulfill you. The materialistic things in life that are important. Money is not everything, in fact it isn't anything if you don't have someone to share it with. Surround yourself with positivity, with people who love and appreciate you.

6. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Life will not always go as planned. Things will go wrong, things will not always work in your favor. Do not stop trying to make it work that way for you. You are the master of your own destiny, and you and you alone can make anything happen. Just don't you quit!! Does anyone else remember the Choose your own ending books as kids?  The beginning started out with one story and then the reader had the option of several endings. How many people chose one ending? Most would choose one and then go back, not fully satisfied with the ending they chose and pick again. Similiar to life, you can not change the beginning but you can still choose the ending. And if you aren't happy, keep choosing until you find the best possible happy ending!

7. Be the type of friend you would like to have. Listen to one another, truly listen. Sometimes listening requires you being able to hear what isn't being said. Laugh, cry, and share with those people who deserve your amazingness.
Share. Share your time, share your feelings, share your life with someone you love. No matter how badly you have been hurt, do not be afraid to share every part of yourself. You may feel broken, but there is someone out there who will be able and willing to help you with all of the pieces.

8. Know your worth. You are the one and only person in this world who will love you unconditionally. Yes, your family and friends love you, but you need to possess the self confidence to know how wonderful you are. Regardless of your past, of what you have been through, you are here right now and you have survived everything that you encountered. You are strong, you are a survivor, you are loved.

9. Be strong, but weak enough to not build up walls around yourself. Let people in. People will hurt you, people will say rude, unkind, and untrue things about you. Smile. Breathe, and forgive. The people who need the most forgiveness often deserve it the least.  Choose your battles. Life is too short to be miserable. Focus on all of the positive and wonderful in your life.

10. Life will pass you in the blink of an eye if you let it. So, open your eyes wide and take in every moment. Do something everyday that makes you smile. Laugh more than you cry. Live life to the fullest. Life is a wild roller coaster, full of ups and downs, but you have a choice. You can choose to either squeeze your eyes shut and miss out on the ride, or throw your hands up and enjoy the ride. Buckle up!

Maybe we all need to take a note from Billy Madison and head on back to school and start from the beginning, to remind ourselves of the genuine and true lessons that we were taught as children. It worked for us then, perhaps a crash course would do us all a little good. All of life is constant education. Class dismissed! :)

Lights, Camera, Action!

 The name of the blog may be What to Expect When You Are NOT Expecting, but what happened this week was completely unexpected. This week I was provided with an opportunity to film an interview with Ann Nyberg of WTNH here in New Haven, CT to air on her program, Nyberg. Being able to openly and candidly discuss my most sensitive feelings and topics in the comfort of my own home is far easier than sitting across from a news anchor I admire and share my story for viewers to see.This was a whole new playing field. Similiar to a minnow moving out of the comfort of his small fish bowl to a 30 gallon tank,  all I could do was remind my minnow self to keep swimming.  I was so extremely nervous for the two weeks leading up to it that I contemplated canceling the interview on several occasions. I am a writer, not a speaker. The more I debated, the more the profound, deep words of one of my favorite philosophers ran through my mind. Eminem's lyrics spoke to me. "You only get one shot, one opportunity, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime." Okay, so he may not be a philosopher, and I may not rapping down 8 mile rocking a sweet bleached buzz cut; but this week I was able to feel and live the words of Eminem for a brief hour. This was my opportunity to share my story with others, to allow myself and my story to be heard.  This writer was given a chance to turn my written words into spoken ones; a chance to allow my writing to speak for itself. 

          

Whether it is written or spoken, my story was heard. I was able to remain calm and fought back the tears that welled up during the interview as I did not want to appear too emotional, but I was, I am emotional. I courageously blinked the tears back and spoke about my blog as I attempted to emotional detach myself from the topics we were discussing. Having the support of my husband next to me, and hearing him speak of how he felt proud of me, and how strong I have been during all of this made me admire him and our experience even more. This "situation", our road to becoming parents is tough, but we are tougher. Our bond is stronger and we will be parents one day.

           I used to wonder why this happened to me, and why I had to experience these situations. Life doesn't happen to you, sometimes it happens FOR you. This blog is my story, my deepest and most painful truths, but this blog is also other women's story. The purpose of this blog started as a therapeutic outlet for me, a way to release all of the emotions that IVF and surrogacy brings, but it has become something more. Something I didn't see coming, but sometimes the best things in life are unseen. This blog has become my silver lining to IVF and surrogacy. My mom always stressed the importance of finding the silver lining in any situation. This blog allows me to use my pain, suffering and struggle and turn that into a way to help other women going through this. To remind them, and myself, that we are not alone in this. That what we are feeling and what we are going through is unfortunate, but its not what you go through but how you go through it that matters. If this blog can demonstrate to other women that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes its just a longer tunnel than others. Or sometimes you need support to help you see that tiny glimmer of light at the end. It is there, I promise. My story is living proof that even in the darkest times, there is a light, a ray of hope at the end; just keep walking.

Where Do Babies Come From???

This very easily worded question causes great debate and stress for many parents. I used to laugh at the wide eyed parents quickly searching their minds for a reasonable yet vague answer to their small innocent child's question. But this evening, after overhearing a child at the store ask his father where babies come from, I felt a wave of anxiousness and fear rush over me. How would I one day answer this question to my child? "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Hmmmm, let's see, Mommy's belly won't work in this case and telling a small child he or she came from another woman's belly is even more confusing and scary. Perhaps we can go with the traditional stork answer, as it is not too far off. It may not be a bird swooping over my house and dropping a blanket clad baby on my doorstep; but it will be another woman delivering my sweet bundle of joy to me. Or we can keep it basic and to the point; the freezer. Yes, the freezer, because that is where you will be coming from my little one. Just push aside the carton of chocolate ice cream and frozen waffles to find a baby. I can just picture that; coming home to find my child on a step stool frantically throwing frozen meats and ice cubes on the ground as I scream; "What are you doing!?" to be answered by my doe eyed child that they are looking for a sibling. Okay, so clearly none of my brainstorming ideas are panning out. I have decided instead I will be honest and upfront and tell you my little one the complete truth. Every child deserves to know where they come from. So get ready. My reply will be; babies come from the heart. Because it is the truth. No matter how babies get to their parents,  they come from the heart. Every parent has a place in their heart for their child that begins to grow and fill the minute they plan for their baby. The moments dreaming and wishing of them cause that place to grow further. And that magical moment where they learn of their child's impending arrival, whether they are naturally conceived, adopted, or created with the help of science,  the HOW they got here doesn't seem so important, but the answer to WHERE remains the same; every child comes from the heart. No matter how that baby gets to your arms, the moment your eyes look down at that new life, the center of yours, you and your baby both know where they came from and where they belong.

 Let me draw you a map my dear child, because just like those large maps in a mall, with the big arrow pointing out where you are; here is a big picture of a heart with an arrow. YOU ARE HERE. So, my little miracle, years from now, when your question appears; where do babies come from? I will be ready with my answer. Quickly and simply without any hesitation; my heart. You may not get to grow under mine, but you will grow in it. In fact, you already are. There is already a spot reserved for you, a hole and an emptiness that no one besides you can fill. The "stork" may get to carry  you, but I carry you in my heart.

Handle with Care

I love gifts. Honestly, who doesn't? Even more than receiving a gift, I love giving them. Most gifts come wrapped, packaged carefully with precision and attention to detail. Some gifts however, require no shiny paper or bag. I am relatively sure I have not made a gift since my childhood, but this one is sure to be better than any macaroni necklace or ashtray I ever made in my youth. It is a gift I have been working on for years, one that will fit perfectly alongside the ones I made in my younger years. I pride myself on how I attempt to give someone something they really want or need, something that they may have mentioned so long ago they cant even remember they told me. Or sometimes I just have the perfect present in mind without much thought needed at all. Like this Fathers Day gift I have come up with. 

Each year I debate sending a card, but searching through Hallmark I was unable to find "For the Man Who Helped to Give Me Life & Then Walked Out of It" category. This year I have a message that doesn't even need a card to be heard. It is a gift that needs no card attached, a gift that needs to be delivered once and for all. So to the man that is not present in my life, I have decided to give you a present. In all reality,this gift isn't for you though Dad, its actually for me. Call me selfish, but its a present nonetheless. This year I am giving you the gift of forgiveness. Absolute forgiveness. I forgive you for walking away, for leaving us and causing us to grow up with no parents. I forgive you for giving up on my sister and I, and for deciding to live your life without us in it. I forgive you for choosing to put yourself and your new life before us. I forgive you for missing out on the biggest and most exciting moments of my life thus far. I forgive you for not cheering me on as I accepted my college degree, or holding my hand and giving me away to my husband on our wedding day. I forgive you for not being there when I was sick, hugging me and telling me it would be alright. I even forgive you for not being there for me after my hysterectomy, when I needed someone to calm my nerves and assure me that I was a fighter and would be okay. I needed you to be there all those times when Mom couldn't be, to be both parents, but you couldn't even be one. And for that, I forgive you. Whether you realize it or not, you have helped me to become the strong independent woman I am today. I am a fighter, I am tough and I am able to always search for that silver lining because thanks to you, I know that no matter how bad things are there is something good that can come out of it. I know because of you, that you can not change what happens to you, but you can decide how it will happen to you, how you will react and grow from it. You have taught me exactly how I do not want to act as a parent.You have reminded me to always put my family first and tell and show people you love them. To make sure my children know how much they are loved and that no matter what happens, I am there for them. I may not yet be a Mom, but I am and will be a better parent because of you and all of the life lessons you and your absence have taught me. I already have a heart full of love and can not imagine my life without children. I can however, imagine it without a father. This gift is a one size fits most, and the return policy doesn’t exist. Whether you want this gift or not is up to you, but giving it is mine. My choice to make room in my life for all the good memories that are going to replace all of these negative ones from you. Soon it will be spent celebrating my husband and the love he has for our children. We all have someone in our past who may benefit from this same gift, a gift that seems as though its easy to give but in fact it may be the most difficult gift I have ever parted with. The gift of forgiveness, a gift that truly does keep on giving. 

     I am giving this gift of forgiveness because in all complete honesty it is something I want and need for me and me alone.Because forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I am going to forgive you so that I can be free of my painful past with you. I wont' be able to hold onto the happiness the present and future are holding for me if my hands and heart are full of the pain and bitterness that I have now with you, because of you. So this Fathers Day, I forgive you Dad because forgiveness isn't something we do for other people, its something we do for ourselves. Since our children are awaiting us in the freezer ;) I am in the meantime taking advice from another Frozen entity, the Disney movie, and  deciding to"let it go". Forgiveness is my gift to you, and moving on is my gift to myself.