Once Upon a Time

I began this blog as a coping mechanism when we started our journey back in 2013. Writing has always been a release for me, and something I enjoyed. The place to let it all out and have the words and feelings flow through your fingertips and onto the screen.  This blog was started to share my journey to becoming a parent through surrogacy, it became an outlet to share the not so glamorous feelings that accompany it, the ones we don't like to show others, the ones we keep inside and battle alone. The jealousy, the hurt, the pain, the stress, the heartbreak. 

But fast forward to today, November 7, 2022, and here I am now with a different narrative, a different feeling.  I just sat here and literally scrolled through all of my previous posts while smiling through tears. Today I get to look back at my story and realize that although it did not go exactly as we planned, it may be even better. So much has changed, so many things have happened. To share the stories of now, first we need to know the tales of then. So, story time it is. Once upon a time....

This tale doesn't start with a princess in a castle, instead with a hysterectomy at the age of 24.  I have always had the dream to become a mother, and children were always a part of my plans for, "when I grew up." In 2011, I met the love of my life. We discussed our future, which for both of us included becoming parents. We decided to complete IVF shortly after getting engaged and successfully created 8 embryos.  Our plan was to freeze those embryos for a short period, and then find our angel to carry our baby and live happily ever after. 

But as we all know, life is not a fairytale and plans have a tendency to not go the way we intended. This fairytale may not have had the easiest start, but I promise the ending is magical. We invite you to join us on our journey to earn the best titles we have ever worked for, Mom and Dad. 

Poker Face

Today is the first day of the new year. Another year gone, another year lies ahead. Today, like many others, I sit and reflect back on what has passed and contemplate what awaits in the future. 2016 taught me a lot. I was reminded once again that life is too short and needs to be treated for exactly what it is, a gift. I was given the opportunity to realize that my track record for getting through tough times still remains at an undefeated 100%, and those times help me to appreciate the good times even more. 

2016 has ended, that chapter closed. But today, today we get to open a brand new chapter full of empty pages. Empty pages we can fill with happiness, love, and memories to cherish. This year rather than making resolutions and things we want to change, Lou and I made a list of promises. Promises we will try to uphold, promises of things we will attempt to do together to make 2017 memorable and successful.  

This year, like all those before it, and I am certain many times after this, had it's ups and downs. This rollercoaster of a year was a wild ride as usual, but in the end was a great ride. 2016 ended with some relationships ending, and some left behind. These decisions never come easily, but every person plays a role in your story, some are just not meant to be in the ending. This year my family lost my young cousin, and taught us to appreciate those in your life daily and work hard to maintain relationships. This year brought a new job for both myself and Lou, the opportunity to complete my Master's degree and work towards my BCBA, and new friendships that I truly value. Some friendships flourished and reminded me how lucky and blessed I am to have these people surrounding me. I was able to rekindle and mend broken relationships with some. Some of the events of 2016 gave a new meaning to the vows Lou and I took, "for better or for worse", and we triumphed. We made it through a year that probably may have broken many others, but it made our relationship stronger and closer. 

With every gain, there are the typical losses. In a true card game, there are always wins and losses. You have to place your bets, ride it out, and hope for the best. Sometimes you're lucky and your hand pays out, while sometimes you have to just smile and remember it's all a game. Life is like a card game, and while I may not be in charge of the hands that are dealt to me, I always attempt to turn that hand into a winning hand. Many times I have been successful, and even those hands that aren't meant to be winners remind me that we have no control over what comes our way. We must simply sit back and make the best of what we are dealt. So, today, on this first day of this new year, I have placed my bets for 2017. I bet that this year will bring excitement, happiness, love, laughter, and hopefully small bundles of joy. I am sure there will also be the not so great times, but in true fashion, we will overcome each and every one. Like any gambler, if you hold your cards steady and line them up the best you can, put on your best "poker" face, eventually you'll see that the hand you're dealt with and holding onto can be better than what you think. 

If I Know Then What I Know Now...

I am sure most of you have heard the infamous quote; "If I knew then what I know now." We have all probably thought it, said it, and most likely analyzed it. Using those words to figure out what we would have done differently. What situations and mistakes we could have avoided. There's no going back, and there are no magical erasers that can change our experiences. There are lessons that each situation presented us. Lessons to help us realize the person we are and the person we can be. The situations and mistakes we experienced may not be able to be changed, but how we are changed by it, how we come away from it is what is the real lesson.  

I wish that someone had told me that quote wasn't true. Instead of looking back and wishing things had been done or said or played out differently, I am focusing on what did happen and the impact it had. I instead what to write a letter to myself, reminding me that I have survived every difficulty so far and I will continue to do so. I can use every hard moment, every tear shed, to remember THEN what I already know NOW. 

Dear Me,

       

 I thought this letter may come at a good time as your birthday is this week. What better time than the day you entered this world then a chance to remember what you have accomplished since then? You are tough, you are strong, you are a survivor. You have a big heart and a genuine desire to help others. You have the ability to see the good in all, and to find a silver lining in every moment. 

This past year gave you opportunities to learn from. I hope that in the future, if you are struggling, you are able to remember. Remember these situations that happened this year, and how you changed from it.  You had hard moments, your marriage felt the stress of life's events and almost came close to the end. But instead you both worked together and made it even better. Remember that, even when something may be "broken", try to fix it first. Put every ounce of energy you have into fixing it, and if it is worth saving, it can be repaired to something even better than it originally was. 

You made the decision to leave your job, one you were comfortable in, but no longer made you happy. Remember that change is scary, but necessary. Change is better than regret. Letting go of things we know, things we think we need is hard, but holding on to something that no longer makes you happy is far worse.

 Remember that, remember that you can and should let go of anything and anyone who no longer makes you happy. As our lives change, so do our relationships, our friendships. Not all of these friendships and relationships will survive, but you will. Remember that each person played a part in helping you become who you are today. Understand and accept that not everyone will be there for you. Not everything will go as you planned. 

This year you enrolled in school and began working towards your Master's. Remember that you made the decision to make a change. You knew what you wanted, and are working towards it. You are the only person that can make that happen, and you will.

You are the only one in charge of how you feel. And I want you to continue to choose happiness. Choose to smile even when you want to cry. Choose to love and be loved. Choose to listen as much as you speak. Choose to be a good friend, and to keep those true ones close. Choose to let go of those who don't. Walk away from anything that hinders your happiness. Choose to put yourself first. It sounds selfish, but you need to be truly happy with yourself to be happy with others. Choose to work hard for everything you want, and you will continue to get everything you deserve. Continue to make those big changes, they have all played out well for you thus far. Continue to be you. 

Remember, right now, at this moment, you know what you need to. So, in the future, if you are faced with something difficult ,if I know then what I know now, you will be just fine :)

                                                       

                                                                  Love,

                                                                  Me

To All The Childless Mothers

Dearest you,
       I had to write this to you, today of all days, because today you need to read this. You need to hear what I am about to tell you and more importantly believe it. Today is one of "those" days, the days where you wish laying in bed all day and pushing pause on life was an option. Even better, maybe fast forward to tomorrow, past another one of "those" days. These days we all dread and cringe thinking about...not that everyday isn't hard but there is something almost punishing and downright cruel about having to celebrate a day that you absolutely long to be a part of. I personally have avoided thinking about this day for years, and in these most recent years since being married and ready to start a family, since we do not have a child. Since my surgery, taking away my ability to have a baby, Mothers Day has been a cruel reminder of that painful fact. The surgery took away illness, but also my chance of becoming a mom the way I desired.

In addition to the empty hole in my heart on this day for the child I do not yet have, the remainder of my heart aches for my mom. Since her death, Mothers Day has always been a hard day. A day that I attempted to forget. For me it was too hard, too upsetting to think about not having her here, to be reminded yet again that I was a motherless daughter. It took many years, until I met my mother in law, to be reminded of what the true meaning of mothers day is. To be thankful for each and every moment that we have and had with our mothers. To be appreciative of all the wonderful attributes and lessons our mothers passed onto us. All the sacrifices, tears, smiles, and laughs that she shed turning us into the women we are today. Our mothers are part of the reason we long to become mothers ourselves. Because we have seen what true love looks and feels like. Because these brave women taught us to be thoughtful, caring, and strong. Even in my mothers last moments, as she lay dying, she never stopped worrying about us. In our final conversation, she was worried about us. She wasn't scared to die, or lose her battle with cancer, she was scared to leave us. To leave behind her children, before any of us were ready.

Every child needs their mother, and it has been hard growing up without one. Even in her absence, I have learned so many lessons from my mom, I am lucky enough to have so much of her in me, I can see her in my reflection, in my smile, and hear her sarcastic humor that always had everyone around her laughing. The thoughtful nature, of giving every ounce of myself to anyone I love, is all her. To aim to make everyone feel loved and at ease, is my Mom. The ability to see the positive in every situation, is completely owed to my mom. She taught me that there is always something good, even in the bad. The best way to remember her is to continue living, continue smiling, and continue loving.

With that being said, I always attempt to find the good, so here it is. It is hard. It is painful and it hurts. When you walk by the babies with their mothers and blink back the tears that instantly form. When you cringe at the invites to baby showers, and feel an embarrassing twinge of jealousy as you view pregnancy announcements and dreaded ultrasounds. I know the pain of wishing for a mothers day to come addressed to you, to hope for the day that you will a mother. When you ache to be a mother, and to hold a beautiful reflection of yourself and your spouse in your arms. The day you will be able to fill that empty spot in your arms, and in your heart. I know what it is like to feel broken, and unable to be fixed. Here comes the good, the "cure" to all this pain. The light at the end of this cold dark tunnel.

You are not broken. You are amazing. You are kind, and thoughtful, and loving. You are so incredibly strong, you have been fighting, wishing, and hoping to become a mother. But let me tell you this...you already are. Have you ever loved someone, so much, that your heart feels like it may explode? Have you ever wiped away the tears of another, and comforted them until the pain disappeared? Have you ever listened to a friend, sibling, lover, and helped them to fight a battle they needed help with?

There you have it, the definition in black and white. No where does it say anything about giving birth to, or conceiving. Because being a mother is much more. Being a mother takes sacrifice, and love. A mother is a role that one earns, it is not given. You have already earned the title, and in time you will be given the rest. I know this to be true, because you have already fought and would  give your entire being for a little human that you have not even been promised yet. You may not yet have a baby in your arms, but they are in your heart, your full, loving heart. You, my beautiful you, you are a mother. So, Happy Mothers Day!!!

                                                                                               Love,
                                                                                    A fellow Childless Mother

To My "Net"

To My Safety Net,
     There is something so beautiful about being honest and open. Honest enough to share the parts of ourselves that we aren't the most proud of. The parts of ourselves that are deep within, that make up who we truly are. To share your fears, your weaknesses, and every part of you with others is a gift. This blog and this experience has provided me with ample opportunities to get to know the "real" me, the whole me. To test my limits, to push myself to levels of strength I did not know I was capable of. To learn more about myself. This year I got to know myself truly.And I was fortunate enough to get to share myself and journey with several people. These people helped make my year, 2015, one of the best yet. 

    As you read this, I want you to know how thankful I am. How thankful I was for this past year. Although this was not the year I became a parent, I got one step closer. I got stronger and better. Thank you for all of the memories that you brought this year. Today is the last day of the year, a perfect time to reflect and look back on all the year provided. There were some amazing moments, and naturally some moments I could have done without. But regardless, this year was mine. It was another 365 days of ups and downs, 12 months of learning and growing, and a calendar full of dates; everyday holding something that led us to today. This year you gave me a chance to get closer to goals. 2015 was full of losses, but also equally full of gains. My heart and strength was tested; relationships put to the test. 

     Once again I was reminded that life is a balancing act. It's like walking on a tightrope, each step gets you closer, each step meaningful of reaching the goal. Just like a tightrope, there is a safety net. A net that is there to help you if and when you fall. While I have gotten much better at the act of balancing, there were several times I slipped off and needed the safety net to save me. Luckily, my safety net is full of amazing people. People who have been there for me when I didn't even realize I may need them. You remind me that although there are bad moments, there are so many better moments. You are part of the reason I am who I am, and why I am better. You have helped me grow and become the person I am today.


The arms who hold you at your weakest, the ears who listen to not only what you are saying but more importantly what you arent saying. The faces that look at you and just let you know they are there for you, cheering for you every step of the way. It is okay to fall, okay to rely on your net to save you. And knowing the only place you can go is right back up to try again. It is alright to not be okay, to not smile and laugh. It is during theses moments , when you are at your worst, your weakest, that the people who matter the most step forward and help you. These are the people in your corner, in your safety net. These people don't attempt to fix you, just love you and accept you. They love you at your worst, and are there by your side at your best. While you are at your worst, they remind you of who you are at your best. 

Today, the last day of 2015, going into the New Year. I am still walking proudly across the rope, slowly but surely. Slow and steady wins the race they say. Knowing you will be there if I fall keeps me going, and knowing you have been and will be there is the best gift I have received. You are my people. You are the people that remind me of what is to come, what I am walking towards. You are the people in my "net". So although I may have gotten thrown off the rope a few times, I am back and slowly walking across again. Knowing that net is there if I need it is the reassurance I need to keep moving forward at times. The best thing about being on a tightrope is there is no turning back, only forward, step by step. So, 2016, here I come, one step at a time.
                                                                                    Love,
                                                                                  Colleen

Choosing My Own Adventure

      I have always loved reading. In fact to this day my friend and sister love to remind me of the shirt I proudly wore as a child; "So many books, so little time." Yes, I was a nerd, a nerd who loved to read and live vicariously through the characters and their stories. Who remembers the Choose Your Own Adventure book series? The books that allowed you the reader to choose your own ending, as well as how the story panned out. I loved these because it gave me the opportunity to be the writer, not solely the reader. I was in charge of the story and the outcomes.

 Years later, I am the author of this blog and more importantly the writer of my story. I have been fortunate enough to share my stories with all of you. The story of a broken girl who picked up the pieces and built her future. A girl who refused to stay down, no matter how many times she was knocked down. A story of bravery and courage and survival. A story of a girl who found and got to experience her happily ever after. Similar to the adventure books, I chose each and every part of the story. In reality, I may not have chosen the situations, but I have chosen my reactions to them. Every choice has led me to now. And just when I thought I had the story all pieced together, a perfect blend of past hurts and struggles to current and future happiness, the story has a twist.
 
        It has taken me many years to heal from the surgery that changed me, the surgery that transformed me. The surgery that left me in more pain that I could handle; physically and emotionally. The surgery that left a scar much larger than the visible one on my abdomen. The surgery that left me unable to have the baby bump, the ultrasounds, the bond of carrying my child inside of me and experiencing one of the deepest forms of love possible; giving birth. The surgery that left me to figure out What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting This is one of the chapters of the story that I may have skipped over while reading if in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Or, like most of us did, start reading it and realize that what you just read was NOT what you wanted and go back. Unfortunately for me, there is no going back and this chapter has and always will be a part of my story. After many years of dealing with the pains my hysterectomy left behind, I have gotten to a place where I am accepting of it. I will never be "okay" with it, because I can't help but long for the experiences I am being denied. But, I had gotten to a point where I was no longer angry, no longer bitter, and I was able to accept that I will have my own set of experiences, and that although the path to having my child will be different, the ending will be the same. I was alright with it. Until, after extensive review of my medical files in their entirety I got news that was almost as awful as the day they told me I needed a hysterectomy. "You should have never had that surgery. The hysterectomy was unnecessary and could and should have been avoided if not by the fault of previous surgeons." And just like that the pain I had worked so hard on healing, the open wound I had finally watched heal, was now ripped open again.Hearing that my hysterectomy could have been avoided, could have not happened was a blow. The knock out blow that I never saw coming. My guard was down, my gloves down by my side. This fighter hit the mat, and hit it hard. How am I supposed to be okay now? How am I supposed to feel after hearing that the first eight surgeries I had were done so inadequately that I had to undergo a surgery at the age of 24? That the lab reports all showed precancerous changes and nothing that would indicate a diagnosis of cervical cancer and/or a need for such an invasive surgery??I felt like my entire story should be erased, that I should be able to flip back to the part right before this, and be able to choose a different adventure.But this isn't a Choose Your Own Adventure book, because this adventure was chosen for me. There is no re write, no option of going back and changing it. Instead, I have to do what I have always done, pick up the pieces and move forward.
   
       I debated for weeks about whether to share this, if I was even ready to. I am choosing to share it because it is a part of my story. The story continues. Each and every moment, happy and sad, has led me to exactly where I am right now. Life isn't a fairy tale, there is no option to edit and write another draft. This is our one shot, our one chance. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes its messy, and sometimes its sad. But the best part is, its not over. This is not the end, it is just another part of the story. A part that reminds me that I can not change what has happened but I can instead embrace it, and know that although I did not want the surgery and I wish it never happened, it did. But that surgery changed me, that surgery made me stronger and made me a survivor. I may have lost a lot from the surgery, but I also gained. I gained a new outlook on life. I learned to push myself even when I am so close to giving up. I learned to look for the bright side of things, because it could always be worse. I learned to be positive, to love wholeheartedly and found someone who loves me  the same. I found that I am tougher than I could have ever imagined and determined. I can and I will overcome whatever comes my way because I am a fighter.
   
      The amazing thing about choosing your own adventure is that no matter which way you get there, the ending is still available. The story continues, and my journey to parenthood continues. I may not have chosen the path to get here, but I am here. The rest of my story is still unwritten. And I am ready for the next chapter :)

Does Heaven have a mailbox?

                                                                                                                                           








                                                                                       July 26, 2015
Dear Mom,
      It has been a while since we have talked, and for that I am sorry. It is so hard some days and I miss you so much that I can not even concentrate on the world around me. I wish you were here to have this conversation instead of me having to send this letter. I wish you here to see all the things I have done. To see the big moments; to see me fall in love, graduate, get married. Or more importantly for all those small moment; to dry my tears when I am crying, hold my hand when I am scared, and laugh alongside me at the funny moments. Instead, I sit here, sixteen years after our last day together. Realizing that I have now lived as much of my life without you as I did with you. 
          All I can  remember is the lasts, the last hug, the last kiss, the last conversation. And I sit here wishing we had time for one more last. Maybe if I had known how hard life would be without you I would have appreciated time with you more. Maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to let go. Sixteen years with you was not enough time. I need you to know that I love you but I can't help that a small part of me is angry. Not so much with you, but with myself. Angry that I didn't say I love you more, mad that I didn't understand how much I needed you, and how much it was going to hurt to live without my mom. Growing up without my mother left me broken. Piece by piece I picked myself back up and had to fill all the holes that you leaving left. I spent so many years trying to fill the huge emptiness in my heart that I didn't think was ever possible to heal. I needed you to tell me it was going to be okay, to tell me when I was making mistakes, and be my cheerleader when I was close to giving up. I had to learn to instead be my own hardest critic, my own fan club, and my own worst enemy at times. 
           With that being said, I need you to know that I understand that you're here as much as you can be. I can literally look at pictures of myself and see your smile in mine. I feel you in the warm sunshine and in the cool fall breeze. I search for you in the moments I need you most, thinking of what you would tell me to do. You were by far the strongest person I have ever met. You fought and lost a battle that was bigger and stronger than you, but never once complained. You lived a short life but managed to touch everyone you met in that brief time. Everyone that knew you was better simply by being around you. You lit up a room with your smile and warm personality. You were nurturing and loving and made everyone around you feel at ease. You made all of the little things become big things; every celebration, large or small, never went unrecognized. You were thoughtful and always knew the right things to say at the time everyone needed it. Your life may not have been long enough to teach me all of the lessons a daughter needs from her mother; but you still managed to instill the important ones. Because of you, I know that everyone needs someone to make them feel special. I know to appreciate all of the little things, because those are the ones that matter the most. I know that a smile is the best accessory you can wear. I know that laughter is the best medicine, and can heal more than you think. You taught me to love with my whole heart, no matter how scary that might be, because life is short and love is powerful. You are the one who showed me to always search for the silver lining, because every situation presented is a lesson. I search to find the good around me in the worst of times to remind myself that there is always something to be thankful for. Because of you, I will be an amazing mom. I will hold my child every second that I can. I will teach my child all of these valuable lessons and tell them that their grandmother loves them. I will be sure to tell my child that I love them every chance I get. I am writing letters to my child so that should the day arise that I am not present with them, that they can read the things I longed to hear from you on my most important days. 
         

I will love you for always. I will see you one day, and when that day comes, we will have so much to talk about.  I hope when that day arrives you are waiting for me, with your cup of coffee and ready to catch up on all you are missing out on. Until then, I promise to continue to live the life you made possible. I promise to keep smiling and live a life that you would be happy to be a part of. I love you.

                                                                                                          Love,
                                                                                                        Colleen

Cleaning out the closet

          It's that time of year, the time all of us who suffered through the cold, bitter, New England winter have been not so patiently waiting for. Spring has arrived! Spring is the time for renewal, and a time for change. Many of us use the arrival of Spring as a time to clean. A time to clear away the snow, the shovels, and the boots, and watch as flowers bloom and blossom.  To pack away the coats,gloves, and mittens and embrace the promise of warmer weather.  I love the feeling of opening the windows and airing out the winter months, letting the clean fresh breeze fill the house. I get a feeling of excitement organizing my closet, as I put away all of the bulky winter clothes and suddenly feel as though I have a brand new wardrobe in front of me. All of the dark, heavy clothes are replaced by bright, cheery ones. Each year I always find several items that have been forgotten about as they fell behind the thick wool sweaters. Have you ever found a shirt in the way back of your closet, that you forgot was there because it was out of sight and you overlooked it? How wonderful of a feeling to throw on that shirt and wear it as if you had just purchased it. Sometimes we are so busy focusing on people and situations that we fail to see other "shirts" that are in the back of the closet.

           I love Spring cleaning, but the one thing I forget to do every year, is to clean out my life. Yes, my life. Spring is a time to start anew, so why not leave those behind who are weighing us down? Those who no longer need to be a part of our "closet". I pride myself on my thoughtfulness and my kindness. I am the first to reach out to people, I am the first to send a card , to be there for someone in their time of need. To lend a helping hand, or a shoulder to cry on. I love being silly and making people laugh, because laughter truly is the best medicine. There comes a time where you have to look around and see who is willing to do these things for you. Who dries your tears? Who cheers you on from the sidelines? My mother always used to tell me to think of who I would call at 3 a.m. if I was stranded on the side of the road. Who would answer? Who would come to your aid? While the good hearted optimist in me would like to think everyone in my life would do this, sadly I know the truth.  It is in both the worst and best of times that people will allow you to view a different side of them. I have had several opportunities in my life to see people's true colors exposed, and for some it is not a shade I am fond of. I want to fill my life with bright, happy, positive people. I am no longer interested in having anyone or anything in my life  that doesn't make any effort to be a part of mine. Just as the seasons change, people change.Sometimes it so hard for us to see past who we want someone to be that we forget to see them as they are. People and situations change so that we can learn to let go. We can clean them out of our lives and make room for bigger and better things. What a wonderful thought that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet. The best is yet to come.

          Use this new season to make yourself a priority. Being selfish is the best advice I can give. Not selfish in a negative sense, but possess a selfishness that shines through in your strides to be the person you want to be. You need to make yourself happy before anyone else can. Being a parent requires you to be the best that you can be. Having children changes everything, and it is a change we are ready and longing for. Suddenly, this tiny little person will become the center of our lives. This child will look to us for love and support. Why not use this time before we have children to ensure that we are the best that we can be? Utilize this time to ensure that we can offer our child two strong, loving parents? Our child deserves to be the center of our  family, and our child will be. Everyday I am continuing to strive to be the best version of myself because I deserve it, my husband, family, and friends deserve it. Because our baby deserves it. This is a huge part of what to expect when you're NOT expecting.

           I am working on clearing out my "closet", my life, my mind. I have been working on focusing my time and energy on those people and situations that are worthy of it. Those people who have been there, in my corner, every step of the way. Getting married, we took vows, "for better or for worse", which is the most important to me. This should be the standard for all relationships in your life, with everyone important to you. It's those who stick by our sides and loved us when we felt as though we had nothing to offer. Those are the relationships that last, that are true and everlasting. Those are the shirts I have moved to the front and center of my closet.

So go ahead, grab the broom and partake in some spring cleaning. Sweep, sweep! 

Even Superheroes Need Saving

           As children we mindless sat and watched cartoons and movies that revolved around similar plots. We learned quickly that it is bad versus evil, and good always prevails. We are taught that it is always the strong versus the weak, and any weak person can be saved by the strong. A person in distress can be saved by a super hero. But who saves the superheroes? Super heroes are great role models for children, heck, even for adults. Brave, strong, selfless people who would do anything for anyone at anytime. Our whole lives we have been taught to idolize strong people, and take pity on the weak. We strive to be superheroes, each and every one of us.  We may not be able to fly or become invisible, but, we all possess the qualities that are characterized by superheroes. We all have super powers, whether it is being able to make someone laugh in any situation, or dry someone's tears when they are crying. We all possess the ability to be a superhero.
          I may not be a superhero, but, I can identify with an ordinary person when presented with a crisis or difficult situation, can find the power within to triumph over it. My entire life I have been a fighter. I have overcome many hard times and struggles and became a better person because of each and every obstacle presented to me. I pride myself on being a strong individual, on being optimistic and able to remain positive even when faced with difficult situations. Being strong is a wonderful quality one can possess, but a tiring one. There comes a time when even superheroes need saving.
       I debated long and hard about this post. But, as I debated, it dawned on me. This is a blog to capture what to expect when you are not expecting. I did expect to feel every and all emotions; sometimes more than one at a time. I expected to be stressed, to be upset, to be angry, to cry, to laugh. I didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed, anxiety ridden, and like I was drowning in a sea of my own emotions. I decided to share my struggle as a way to throw out the life preserver. I found myself having a difficult time wanting to do the things I enjoyed, avoiding people and social situations. Each moment of despair was validated by a useless reason; "the holidays are hard without my Mom", "seeing pregnancy announcements upset me", "My husband being laid off is stressful;". While all of these reasons may be justifiable, they are no reason to become withdrawn or having panic attacks. I was angry at myself for being so sad when I had so much to be happy for. A new marriage, a new house, a new dog. The things I had longed for my whole life are finally here and instead of  dancing around with glee, I was sitting in pajamas on my couch alone watching Glee.  I told myself it was a phase, that I would snap out of it. Fighters do that, they don't tap out. So, like many other times, I kept fighting. Why was I trying so very hard to fight a battle within myself?  I convinced myself that I was strong, stronger than what I was feeling. How could I have been through all  I had so far and be this weak? Because if you aren't strong, you are weak, right? If you aren't the superhero doing the saving then that makes you the weak being saved?  Wrong. So very wrong.
        In keeping up with my strong persona, I did the strongest thing I could think of. I sought help. Life is stressful, and there are so many things that we simply do not have the ability to control. With medication, it helps with the stress of the little things so I can continue to focus on the big. I have been so conditoned to believe that one can not be defined as strong if they are acting so weak. When in reality, the strongest people I know are those who know how to handle any situation, and how to survive. There is nothing weak at all about admitting you have a problem, and the bravest, most courageous thing anyone can ever do is find a solution for it.

I shared this story, my story, to remind us all that everyone is fighting something. It may not be a villain you can see. Sometimes the hardest villains to overcome are the ones within. The ones we all put on our masks to fight, walk around smiling and playing the role while inside we are fighting something no one else can see.
Remember, even a super hero needs help tying his cape ;)

Today, I am thankful...

      The holidays have become a time to think about what we do not have and what we need. We have become overcome with desires and wants. The holiday season has lost its meaning. No longer are we satisfied and content with the present, instead we focus on the presents. As kids we make lists; pages and pages long of things, items we need and want. We as adults, we are constantly running around buying and purchasing things and creating lists of what we need to get and buy and do. I myself am guilty, always making lists. Grocery lists of food we need to buy, lists of bills we need to pay, lists of dates we need to remember for commitments we have upcoming. Ask any child for what they want for the holidays and within seconds you can have a 20 page list of ideas. Even asking my husband I was given a list quickly of items he wanted and needed; new sneakers, clothes, electronics. As he asked me mine, I could honestly not produce a list. Each year when asked, my response is similar; "I don't really want anything, I don't really need anything." But this year, for the very first time in 32 years, that statement is absolutely true. I suppose the one thing I could really want is more. More time with all my loved ones, more laughs with my friends, more memories. The things we all truly want can not possibly be wrapped and topped with a bow.

After all the talk of lists I began to think; why not a list of what I already have? Although we do not have kids yet, we have decided to begin a tradition that in the future we can pass on and do with our kids when they are here. After the list to Santa of what we want, a list of what we are thankful for. We spend a mere one day of the year, 1 out of 365, to give thanks. Why not more? Let's remind our family, our friends, and ourselves for that matter of what we have, rather than what we need. 

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

This past year has truly been amazing and provided me with many wonderful opportunities.There have been some difficulties thrown our way this year, but I am even thankful for that. Those hard times have reminded me to appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives. Some people have shown their true colors, which have become shades we aren't interested in coloring our lives with. We have been humbly reminded that everything happens for a reason, some reasons just take a little while longer to become known. But this year, more than any other before,  I have so much to be thankful for. I married the love of my life and gained not only a husband but a brother, nephew, and for the first time in a long time, parents :)  We ourselves became "parents" and adopted a rescue dog who I honestly think saved our lives just as much as we saved his. And as of October 29th, we became homeowners! We recently purchased a house and couldn't be any happier and more excited for all of the possibilities of future memories. With a year full of such great joys and this list of what I am thankful for , how can I possibly come up with a list of anything I want? 

This year, the journey to parenthood has continued, by becoming more widely heard. I have been presented with so many wonderful opportunities to increase the audience for the blog, and share my story with more women and couples. I was fortunate enough to be interviewed on WTNH by the talented, Ann Nyberg, to discuss my blog; (http://wtnh.com/2014/07/23/what-to-expect-when-youre-not-expecting/). I was also honored to be named Blogger of the Year by Thebabyspot.ca; (http://thebabyspot.ca/2014-blogger-colleen-drenth/ ) and be interviewed on their site (http://thebabyspot.ca/interview-with-our-blogger-of-the-year-colleen-drenth/). I was also blessed to be featured in a two page article featuring my story and blog in the number one fertility magazine; Fertility Road! So many people have been asking when the next step towards becoming parents will happen, and as much as we can not wait to become parents, we are taking the time to enjoy the now and being married." Eat, drink, and be married?" ;)

Now it is your turn, grab a pen and paper. So, go ahead, as you are jotting down your holiday lists, make THE list. What in your life are you thankful for? 

"There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for." 

All I Ever Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?

 Back to school time is upon us, and I find myself feeling a bit nostalgic as I watch all of the students boarding their buses, off to the place where some of the most important lessons are learned. I, like many of you, could not wait to grow up and be an adult. If only I knew then what I know now. Gone are the days where your biggest problem was who you were eating lunch with and if you could convince your parents to let you have a sleepover this upcoming weekend. In such a rush to grow up, I failed to see the important lessons being presented to me on a daily basis. Looking back, I realize these lessons and the importance they still have in our lives as adults. The truth is, the learning never stops once we are done with school. It just carries over into the real lessons, in the classroom of life. So class, here's a chalkboard of ideas....

1. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. The "Golden Rule" so many teachers drilled into our minds still rings true today. It's that basic and simple. Be nice to one another, talk to people with the respect and kindness you wish to receive. Be kind. Every one you meet is fighting a battle you may not be aware of.

2. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. If I had a dollar for each time that phrase was spoken to me as a child I would be hanging along side Bill Gates cruising on my yacht. This quote speaks true to many. Why do we feel the need as adults to be so rude to one another? To speak ABOUT someone when we could be speaking TO them? Why must someone speak poorly about someone else, putting them down, rather than building them up? Be nice or be quiet.

3. Along the same lines, I have learned that some people are always going to have something to say, and you can not please everyone. So instead,  please yourself.  Do not succumb to people's hurtful and vindictive words, instead view them as a reflection of their own internal struggles. But do not fight fire with fire as they say. Do not be mean in return, sit back and let it burn out. No one should spend their lives as a "firefighter", constantly battling these fires either. So know when to cut ties and when to walk away. Some people are in your lives as lessons themselves, so learn what you can from them and the situation and be done.

4. Do not judge a book by it's cover. Unless of course, that book is the dictionary, then judge away because it is just a bunch of words and definitions; BORINGGGGG. I myself am guilty of this, it is so much easier to make assumptions based on what we do not know rather than take the time to get to know someone and then base an honest opinion. Everyone knows what they say about assumptions........If you do not take the time to get to know someone, the only assumptions you should be making should be about yourself and assume that you are anti-social ;)

5. It is better to give than it is to receive. So extremely true, whether it is as generic as a gift or as simple as a compliment. Giving a little piece of yourself to someone will never be a bad thing. In the spirit of giving, remember it is presence, not presents that will fulfill you. The materialistic things in life that are important. Money is not everything, in fact it isn't anything if you don't have someone to share it with. Surround yourself with positivity, with people who love and appreciate you.

6. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Life will not always go as planned. Things will go wrong, things will not always work in your favor. Do not stop trying to make it work that way for you. You are the master of your own destiny, and you and you alone can make anything happen. Just don't you quit!! Does anyone else remember the Choose your own ending books as kids?  The beginning started out with one story and then the reader had the option of several endings. How many people chose one ending? Most would choose one and then go back, not fully satisfied with the ending they chose and pick again. Similiar to life, you can not change the beginning but you can still choose the ending. And if you aren't happy, keep choosing until you find the best possible happy ending!

7. Be the type of friend you would like to have. Listen to one another, truly listen. Sometimes listening requires you being able to hear what isn't being said. Laugh, cry, and share with those people who deserve your amazingness.
Share. Share your time, share your feelings, share your life with someone you love. No matter how badly you have been hurt, do not be afraid to share every part of yourself. You may feel broken, but there is someone out there who will be able and willing to help you with all of the pieces.

8. Know your worth. You are the one and only person in this world who will love you unconditionally. Yes, your family and friends love you, but you need to possess the self confidence to know how wonderful you are. Regardless of your past, of what you have been through, you are here right now and you have survived everything that you encountered. You are strong, you are a survivor, you are loved.

9. Be strong, but weak enough to not build up walls around yourself. Let people in. People will hurt you, people will say rude, unkind, and untrue things about you. Smile. Breathe, and forgive. The people who need the most forgiveness often deserve it the least.  Choose your battles. Life is too short to be miserable. Focus on all of the positive and wonderful in your life.

10. Life will pass you in the blink of an eye if you let it. So, open your eyes wide and take in every moment. Do something everyday that makes you smile. Laugh more than you cry. Live life to the fullest. Life is a wild roller coaster, full of ups and downs, but you have a choice. You can choose to either squeeze your eyes shut and miss out on the ride, or throw your hands up and enjoy the ride. Buckle up!

Maybe we all need to take a note from Billy Madison and head on back to school and start from the beginning, to remind ourselves of the genuine and true lessons that we were taught as children. It worked for us then, perhaps a crash course would do us all a little good. All of life is constant education. Class dismissed! :)

Lights, Camera, Action!

 The name of the blog may be What to Expect When You Are NOT Expecting, but what happened this week was completely unexpected. This week I was provided with an opportunity to film an interview with Ann Nyberg of WTNH here in New Haven, CT to air on her program, Nyberg. Being able to openly and candidly discuss my most sensitive feelings and topics in the comfort of my own home is far easier than sitting across from a news anchor I admire and share my story for viewers to see.This was a whole new playing field. Similiar to a minnow moving out of the comfort of his small fish bowl to a 30 gallon tank,  all I could do was remind my minnow self to keep swimming.  I was so extremely nervous for the two weeks leading up to it that I contemplated canceling the interview on several occasions. I am a writer, not a speaker. The more I debated, the more the profound, deep words of one of my favorite philosophers ran through my mind. Eminem's lyrics spoke to me. "You only get one shot, one opportunity, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime." Okay, so he may not be a philosopher, and I may not rapping down 8 mile rocking a sweet bleached buzz cut; but this week I was able to feel and live the words of Eminem for a brief hour. This was my opportunity to share my story with others, to allow myself and my story to be heard.  This writer was given a chance to turn my written words into spoken ones; a chance to allow my writing to speak for itself. 

          

Whether it is written or spoken, my story was heard. I was able to remain calm and fought back the tears that welled up during the interview as I did not want to appear too emotional, but I was, I am emotional. I courageously blinked the tears back and spoke about my blog as I attempted to emotional detach myself from the topics we were discussing. Having the support of my husband next to me, and hearing him speak of how he felt proud of me, and how strong I have been during all of this made me admire him and our experience even more. This "situation", our road to becoming parents is tough, but we are tougher. Our bond is stronger and we will be parents one day.

           I used to wonder why this happened to me, and why I had to experience these situations. Life doesn't happen to you, sometimes it happens FOR you. This blog is my story, my deepest and most painful truths, but this blog is also other women's story. The purpose of this blog started as a therapeutic outlet for me, a way to release all of the emotions that IVF and surrogacy brings, but it has become something more. Something I didn't see coming, but sometimes the best things in life are unseen. This blog has become my silver lining to IVF and surrogacy. My mom always stressed the importance of finding the silver lining in any situation. This blog allows me to use my pain, suffering and struggle and turn that into a way to help other women going through this. To remind them, and myself, that we are not alone in this. That what we are feeling and what we are going through is unfortunate, but its not what you go through but how you go through it that matters. If this blog can demonstrate to other women that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes its just a longer tunnel than others. Or sometimes you need support to help you see that tiny glimmer of light at the end. It is there, I promise. My story is living proof that even in the darkest times, there is a light, a ray of hope at the end; just keep walking.

Where Do Babies Come From???

This very easily worded question causes great debate and stress for many parents. I used to laugh at the wide eyed parents quickly searching their minds for a reasonable yet vague answer to their small innocent child's question. But this evening, after overhearing a child at the store ask his father where babies come from, I felt a wave of anxiousness and fear rush over me. How would I one day answer this question to my child? "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Hmmmm, let's see, Mommy's belly won't work in this case and telling a small child he or she came from another woman's belly is even more confusing and scary. Perhaps we can go with the traditional stork answer, as it is not too far off. It may not be a bird swooping over my house and dropping a blanket clad baby on my doorstep; but it will be another woman delivering my sweet bundle of joy to me. Or we can keep it basic and to the point; the freezer. Yes, the freezer, because that is where you will be coming from my little one. Just push aside the carton of chocolate ice cream and frozen waffles to find a baby. I can just picture that; coming home to find my child on a step stool frantically throwing frozen meats and ice cubes on the ground as I scream; "What are you doing!?" to be answered by my doe eyed child that they are looking for a sibling. Okay, so clearly none of my brainstorming ideas are panning out. I have decided instead I will be honest and upfront and tell you my little one the complete truth. Every child deserves to know where they come from. So get ready. My reply will be; babies come from the heart. Because it is the truth. No matter how babies get to their parents,  they come from the heart. Every parent has a place in their heart for their child that begins to grow and fill the minute they plan for their baby. The moments dreaming and wishing of them cause that place to grow further. And that magical moment where they learn of their child's impending arrival, whether they are naturally conceived, adopted, or created with the help of science,  the HOW they got here doesn't seem so important, but the answer to WHERE remains the same; every child comes from the heart. No matter how that baby gets to your arms, the moment your eyes look down at that new life, the center of yours, you and your baby both know where they came from and where they belong.

 Let me draw you a map my dear child, because just like those large maps in a mall, with the big arrow pointing out where you are; here is a big picture of a heart with an arrow. YOU ARE HERE. So, my little miracle, years from now, when your question appears; where do babies come from? I will be ready with my answer. Quickly and simply without any hesitation; my heart. You may not get to grow under mine, but you will grow in it. In fact, you already are. There is already a spot reserved for you, a hole and an emptiness that no one besides you can fill. The "stork" may get to carry  you, but I carry you in my heart.

Handle with Care

I love gifts. Honestly, who doesn't? Even more than receiving a gift, I love giving them. Most gifts come wrapped, packaged carefully with precision and attention to detail. Some gifts however, require no shiny paper or bag. I am relatively sure I have not made a gift since my childhood, but this one is sure to be better than any macaroni necklace or ashtray I ever made in my youth. It is a gift I have been working on for years, one that will fit perfectly alongside the ones I made in my younger years. I pride myself on how I attempt to give someone something they really want or need, something that they may have mentioned so long ago they cant even remember they told me. Or sometimes I just have the perfect present in mind without much thought needed at all. Like this Fathers Day gift I have come up with. 

Each year I debate sending a card, but searching through Hallmark I was unable to find "For the Man Who Helped to Give Me Life & Then Walked Out of It" category. This year I have a message that doesn't even need a card to be heard. It is a gift that needs no card attached, a gift that needs to be delivered once and for all. So to the man that is not present in my life, I have decided to give you a present. In all reality,this gift isn't for you though Dad, its actually for me. Call me selfish, but its a present nonetheless. This year I am giving you the gift of forgiveness. Absolute forgiveness. I forgive you for walking away, for leaving us and causing us to grow up with no parents. I forgive you for giving up on my sister and I, and for deciding to live your life without us in it. I forgive you for choosing to put yourself and your new life before us. I forgive you for missing out on the biggest and most exciting moments of my life thus far. I forgive you for not cheering me on as I accepted my college degree, or holding my hand and giving me away to my husband on our wedding day. I forgive you for not being there when I was sick, hugging me and telling me it would be alright. I even forgive you for not being there for me after my hysterectomy, when I needed someone to calm my nerves and assure me that I was a fighter and would be okay. I needed you to be there all those times when Mom couldn't be, to be both parents, but you couldn't even be one. And for that, I forgive you. Whether you realize it or not, you have helped me to become the strong independent woman I am today. I am a fighter, I am tough and I am able to always search for that silver lining because thanks to you, I know that no matter how bad things are there is something good that can come out of it. I know because of you, that you can not change what happens to you, but you can decide how it will happen to you, how you will react and grow from it. You have taught me exactly how I do not want to act as a parent.You have reminded me to always put my family first and tell and show people you love them. To make sure my children know how much they are loved and that no matter what happens, I am there for them. I may not yet be a Mom, but I am and will be a better parent because of you and all of the life lessons you and your absence have taught me. I already have a heart full of love and can not imagine my life without children. I can however, imagine it without a father. This gift is a one size fits most, and the return policy doesn’t exist. Whether you want this gift or not is up to you, but giving it is mine. My choice to make room in my life for all the good memories that are going to replace all of these negative ones from you. Soon it will be spent celebrating my husband and the love he has for our children. We all have someone in our past who may benefit from this same gift, a gift that seems as though its easy to give but in fact it may be the most difficult gift I have ever parted with. The gift of forgiveness, a gift that truly does keep on giving. 

     I am giving this gift of forgiveness because in all complete honesty it is something I want and need for me and me alone.Because forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I am going to forgive you so that I can be free of my painful past with you. I wont' be able to hold onto the happiness the present and future are holding for me if my hands and heart are full of the pain and bitterness that I have now with you, because of you. So this Fathers Day, I forgive you Dad because forgiveness isn't something we do for other people, its something we do for ourselves. Since our children are awaiting us in the freezer ;) I am in the meantime taking advice from another Frozen entity, the Disney movie, and  deciding to"let it go". Forgiveness is my gift to you, and moving on is my gift to myself.

Today My Life Begins

There is one day every woman plans for. The day every little girl dreams of, a day full of white lace, sparkles, hope, and love. Like most women, from the time I was a  young girl, I knew every detail of my wedding day. Or so I thought I did. I envisioned my Mom helping me get ready for the biggest day of my life, helping me button and bustle my dress, pulling back my hair, and telling me numerous times how absolutely beautiful I am and what a gorgeous bride I was. I pictured my Dad wiping his tears as he escorted me down the aisle to the love of my life, the man that would replace him as the man in my life.

On April 12, 2014 this day I had dreamed of became a reality. My reality was a bit different than what I had dreamed of. While the day may not have gone exactly as I had previously envisioned, I can say with complete honesty it went even better. This day, more than others reminded me how fortunate I am to be blessed with an amazing support system. For months, as the wedding day got closer, I had been able to push through. To forget the pit in my stomach, to ignore the throbbing pain in my heart, the small twinge of pain I felt every time I was reminded my Mom wouldn't be at my wedding, or my father. I have grown up for a large portion of my life without my mother, and most days it is tolerable, but planning a wedding without your parents is rough. Bracing yourself for the questions that are unavoidable while holding back the tears that want so desperately to fall. "No flowers for the mother of the bride?",   "What color dress is the mother of the bride wearing?", "Which song will you be dancing to for the father daughter dance?".  On my wedding day, the tears I had held back for so long were unable to do so anymore. I cried as I pinned my mothers picture to my bouquet for her to be with me for the walk down the aisle, I cried as I looked at myself in the mirror in my wedding dress and realized how very much I looked like my mother. Tears fell even harder as every guest reminded me of that fact. I cried as I grabbed my mom's brothers arm to escort down the aisle to get married. Grateful for someone who loves me to be walking with me, but sad as I was bitterly reminded my father wasn't the one beside me. And boy oh boy did I cry, in fact I sobbed as I saw Lou waiting at the altar for me. Each step closer to Lou, and each tear that fell down my face represented the pain I had held in for so many years. I cried for my past, and who wasn't there; my mother and father, but I also cried tears of joy as I walked to my future. This walk down the aisle symbolized a new beginning, an official start to a new life, and a time to leave the old life behind. On my wedding day, I was able to literally and figuratively leave the past behind.  I have no doubts that my Mom was there with me, from the moment I woke up and saw the sun shining, on the most beautiful day of the year so far, I knew she was there. I know she was probably telling me to stop crying because I was ruining my makeup, reminding me to smile and show off all those years of orthodontic torture. I know she was there as each tear that fell from my eyes, telling me to savor every moment of today and every day. To take it all in and appreciate every second. To enjoy my future with the man who has helped to remind me of what love is and how to be loved.  I know she was there, thanking Lou for loving her daughter and for being there for me in the ways she no longer can. She was there, and she will always be; "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."
As one door closes, another opens. And this door is gleaming full of new opportunities and experiences. My wedding day ended up being everything I had hoped for and more. I am blessed to have married my bestfriend, and I gained not only a husband, but an amazing set of parents, and a brother. Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want, but it gives you what you need. I am lucky enough to finally have both.
It is great to dream, but every so often reality ends up being even better than what you dreamed of. Most fairytales have one major similarity, they all have a happy ending. This fairytale, my fairytale, is instead focusing only on its happy beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today my life begins.

One Step Closer

The new year. A fresh page, a fresh start, another chance it get it all right. This is my year, a year full of big and exciting changes. Everyone refers to to the new year as a time to start over, with a clean slate. This is the year for me to do all of those things, and in the biggest, most positive way imaginable. This is the year that we will begin our journey to having a baby and becoming parents. This is the year  I will say "I do" in the most literal sense. In a mere 68 days I will become a wife. . This is the year I get to change not only my last name, marital and parental status but the year my happily ever after begins. All beginnings must come from another beginnings end, and for me this is the most pristine time to allow myself to close the chapters of my life that a part of the past, a part of my story that has led me to where I am now, but does not allow me to fully move forward until I can leave it behind and turn the page.

Naturally with my wedding approaching rapidly, I am filled with a small feeling of bitter sweetness, while I am completely excited and counting down to the big day, the harsh realization that my father not being the one to walk me down the aisle was initially upsetting. After all I have experienced and all the hurt and pain I have because of him, it is still every little girls vision to be walked down the aisle by her crying father, as she sees the pain of her Daddy giving her away to another man becomes reality. Sadly, my father gave me away years ago, and the only one crying was me. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have my uncle, my mother's youngest brother accompanying me on the most important walk of my life. He will be the man who gets the honor of walking me down the aisle to my loving future husband, the man who dries my tears  of joy and hands me over to the man who loves me unconditionally ; the role my father is missing out on. I can not help but feel saddened knowing my mom will not be there physically to share in my special day. While my mother will not be sitting amongst my favorite people in the world, I know she will be there. She will be there in every smile, every tear drop, and every sound of laughter. She will be there while I am getting dressed, while I am staring down the aisle to my future and walking towards my new life. She will be the whisper in my ear, telling me I am the most beautiful bride she has ever seen, I know it because she is with me. "I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart." She is already the biggest part of this fairy tale of mine because I know in my heart of hearts that she led me to Lou and gave me the one man who has fixed me in every sense of the word. He has filled the empty parts of my heart with more compassion and love than anyone I have ever known. Every heartache and ounce of pain my past has caused has led me to Lou, and I thank my mother for that.

While it is hard to not  think of who will not be there, it is much easier thanks to those who will be and have gone above and beyond already to make sure my wedding day is the best day of my life. My sister, my maid of honor, has gone above and beyond her role to ensure that I feel as loved and special as any bride should. My bridesmaids, my friends, Lou's family, and my family have helped to make sure that the void of my moms presence is filled with the extreme amounts of love and support they have all offered, and for that I am beyond grateful.

"Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale."To me, this walk down the aisle will be a walk away from the past and towards my new beginning. Each step down the aisle is one step closer to the start of my fairy tale.  My happily every after begins now.

Anchors Away

It's here. The holiday season is upon us. For many, it is a time of joy and happiness. A time to enjoy your loved ones and the moments spent with them. For others, such as myself, it is often a time of bittersweetness. A time that reminds me of my losses and emptiness. A time that hurts in a way many may never understand.  Every holiday I am surrounded by a group of happy loving people, but the only thing I can feel is the pain.  The pain of remembering and longing for the Christmases spent with my family. The pain of wishing my Mom was here to be part of these new memories. I need to remind myself that she is. She is, in a way bigger and better than I can ever imagine. She is a part of me that can never be forgotten or replaced. I can see a part of her anytime I want, by smiling in the mirror, and when my child is born in their eyes. It's time to stop longing for the past and live in the present, creating new joys. Each tear and moment spent missing something you can not get back is a moment that could have been happiness.
As a child, Christmas is associated with gifts, but this year is the first year I am discovering the absolute truest meaning of Christmas. This year I am asking Santa for one gift and one gift only. You see, this Christmas I am going to ask for the simplest of things. My list this year is for a pair of scissors. Yes, a pair of scissors. I can once and for all cut the anchor that is holding me down.  I have so very very much to be grateful for and I am honestly filled with an abundance of love and excitement for my present and future but there is still a part of my past that is pulling me back, like an anchor dragging me down. Grief is a burden, and an anchor, holding me down. It is time to let go, to move forward, realize that the present is exactly what it's called; a gift. I will remember the good times, but let go of the bad. "Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."
This holiday season I am giving. Giving gifts to myself. The gift of forgiveness, not only to those who have hurt or wronged me, but to myself. It is time to forgive myself for things that are out of my control, for the things that can not be changed no matter how hard I have tried. This year I have created a grown up Christmas list. I am asking for the one thing that no one can give to me. It is gift that I need to give myself. I need to let go of the past and the pain and hurt that comes with it. To allow myself the chance to be utterly and truly happy. I have all I need to be happy, a wonderful fiancee and his incredible family. I am so incredibly blessed and lucky to be marrying into such a great family. A job that I love, an upcoming wedding, and soon enough a bundle of joy will be here. The ultimate gift will be you, my sweet baby. It may take a million people to fill the world, but only one is needed to fill mine. I long for you in a manner that no one will ever know. I need you in a way that no one will ever truly understand. You are so loved and you aren't even on your way to being here yet. So until that little package gets here, my only wish is for the scissors. We all carry things inside of us, things that no one else can know or see that hold us down like anchors. Time to cut; I refuse to sink.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

         Such a powerful phrase that is eerily true for every situation. Everything must have an end, a finish. Everything has an end, but it also provides an opportunity for something different, perhaps something better. Every day ends, but is followed by a brand new one. Every end has a chance to change, a chance to get it right.  Every season comes to an end, but brings a new season of change. Just like the seasons, people change. People who were once the closest people in your world, can become strangers over time. People change, and sometimes we are not part of the process. Sometimes we need to just accept it and move on. Letting go and moving on does not mean you are giving up, it means you are accepting that things that cannot be the way you want or need them to be. I may not be the person I once was, but I am who I am today because of my reactions to changes. 

         This past week presented several opportunities of change for me. My grandparents house, which has been on the market for nearly two years since my grandfather passed, sold. Walking through the empty house that was once filled with such happy memories was bittersweet. Memories that included my mother and my grandparents, who are all no longer with us. Remembering times of being young and carefree, playing wiffle ball with all of my cousins in the yard, playing board games where winning or losing was the biggest problem in our young lives. Not knowing that in time, we would all grow up and these memories may be all we have left, that not all of us would be here to continue making these memories. Everyone has changed, we have all grown up and our lives have all been impacted by various situations through the years, like the loss of my mother and grandparents. But we all have the memories, memories that were created in this house, but are not stored here. We are able to all walk away with a piece of this house, the stories, the laughter, and the tears that were started here. A house is merely a piece of construction, the real foundation is the times, both good and bad that were made here and will live in all of our hearts forever. 

     Change is inevitable, it will happen whether or not we are ready for it. But if things never changed, there would be no butterflies. So embrace the changes in your life and hold onto what you have and welcome what will come from it. Looking and moving forward to all of the new and exciting changes that are right around the corner.