Monday, February 3, 2014

One Step Closer

The new year. A fresh page, a fresh start, another chance it get it all right. This is my year, a year full of big and exciting changes. Everyone refers to to the new year as a time to start over, with a clean slate. This is the year for me to do all of those things, and in the biggest, most positive way imaginable. This is the year that we will begin our journey to having a baby and becoming parents. This is the year  I will say "I do" in the most literal sense. In a mere 68 days I will become a wife. . This is the year I get to change not only my last name, marital and parental status but the year my happily ever after begins. All beginnings must come from another beginnings end, and for me this is the most pristine time to allow myself to close the chapters of my life that a part of the past, a part of my story that has led me to where I am now, but does not allow me to fully move forward until I can leave it behind and turn the page.

Naturally with my wedding approaching rapidly, I am filled with a small feeling of bitter sweetness, while I am completely excited and counting down to the big day, the harsh realization that my father not being the one to walk me down the aisle was initially upsetting. After all I have experienced and all the hurt and pain I have because of him, it is still every little girls vision to be walked down the aisle by her crying father, as she sees the pain of her Daddy giving her away to another man becomes reality. Sadly, my father gave me away years ago, and the only one crying was me. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have my uncle, my mother's youngest brother accompanying me on the most important walk of my life. He will be the man who gets the honor of walking me down the aisle to my loving future husband, the man who dries my tears  of joy and hands me over to the man who loves me unconditionally ; the role my father is missing out on. I can not help but feel saddened knowing my mom will not be there physically to share in my special day. While my mother will not be sitting amongst my favorite people in the world, I know she will be there. She will be there in every smile, every tear drop, and every sound of laughter. She will be there while I am getting dressed, while I am staring down the aisle to my future and walking towards my new life. She will be the whisper in my ear, telling me I am the most beautiful bride she has ever seen, I know it because she is with me. "I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart." She is already the biggest part of this fairy tale of mine because I know in my heart of hearts that she led me to Lou and gave me the one man who has fixed me in every sense of the word. He has filled the empty parts of my heart with more compassion and love than anyone I have ever known. Every heartache and ounce of pain my past has caused has led me to Lou, and I thank my mother for that.

While it is hard to not  think of who will not be there, it is much easier thanks to those who will be and have gone above and beyond already to make sure my wedding day is the best day of my life. My sister, my maid of honor, has gone above and beyond her role to ensure that I feel as loved and special as any bride should. My bridesmaids, my friends, Lou's family, and my family have helped to make sure that the void of my moms presence is filled with the extreme amounts of love and support they have all offered, and for that I am beyond grateful.

"Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale."To me, this walk down the aisle will be a walk away from the past and towards my new beginning. Each step down the aisle is one step closer to the start of my fairy tale.  My happily every after begins now.

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