Dearest You

Dearest You,

    I never imagined I would be writing this letter. I used to picture myself rubbing my swollen baby belly and signing up for prenatal massages and yoga, instead now I try to picture you. I try to think of what you will look like, your personality, and how I will know you are; "the one". While I may not know those things, I do know a lot about you already. You are caring, loving, and have a heart bigger than one can imagine. You are giving and always think of others; you are going to give me the one thing in this world that I long for more than life itself. You are the person that will help me become a mother.  You have a gift, a super power. You are a hero, you are an incredibly strong, outstanding woman. You may not wear a cape but you are my hero. You are courageous and brave. You are an astounding woman who is able to carry a miracle, my miracle, for nine months in her stomach, but in her heart for the rest of her life. And you, you will be a vastly important part of our lives forever. There is a special place in my heart for you for always.  You will get the fancy title of "gestational carrier", but to me you will always be known as amazing. Because you truly are. You are giving me something I have longed for and hoped for, and what you are giving to my family is just that, amazing. I promise to include you every step of the way, you are much more than just a place for my baby to grow, you are now a part of our lives forever. You will be the first person to keep my baby safe and sound in your body until they are safe in my arms. 

You are going to change my life. In fact, you already have.  You have given me hope, and strength to carry on and continue on to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother. You hold the power to make my dreams come true. I can not wait to meet you and make all of  my dreams a reality. <3

                                                                                  Love,

                                                                                 Colleen

The Weight is Over

 The weight is over, my stomach has deflated and I am physically back to where I was before I started this journey. Back to work, back to the gym, back to the basics. Never in all of my life, battling with my weight for years did I think I would ever miss the gym. This past week has been nice, a relief. No more doctor visits, no more blood draws, no more physical and emotional torture. A mental vacation from the struggle to have a baby. No talk of the three letters that have haunted me for the past few months; IVF. Instead,  my focus is on different letters, two more important letters; ME. My focus can return to myself and my quest of working towards another goal of losing weight before my wedding in April. Down 34 pounds as of this morning :) If my previous blogs haven't given you enough insight, I am one determined individual. My eye is on the prize, well the scale, and I can and will reach my goal.


This week was a learning experience. This week I have learned that I am still angry and bitter. That the pain and hurt associated with my strong desire to carry my own child is still as raw and exposed as ever. The band-aid that had been previously placed on my wound for the years since my hysterectomy is now as open and painful as ever. I am drowning in a sea of bitterness and jealousy. Each and every time I hear of someone's joyous pregnancy news, it is as though a black cloud instantly rushes over me. I am ashamed and embarrassed by the intense feelings of sadness that instantly take over me. While I am able to force a smile and mutter my congratulations, on the inside I am weeping. I do not want to be this angry and bitter, but I know that until I am holding my baby in my arms, these natural feelings are going to haunt me. Please do not misinterpret my feelings, I am genuinely happy for everyone else, but it hard to muster up feelings of joy instantaneously and I am not proud of my reaction. I have always prided myself on my insane amount of empathy and kindness for others, so these feelings are ones I do not enjoy experiencing. This "lesson" is teaching me that I need to let go of this weight on my shoulders. The weight that will not come off no matter how long or hard I run on the treadmill. This weight is the pain, the bitterness, and the upset I have surrounding the loss of my fertility. I need to continue to remind myself that I am blessed. That I am going to be a mother to a beautiful child in the near future, that I am so close and lucky to have had a successful round of IVF. Remind myself that there are 8 embryos in a freezer and that I am fortunate enough to have at least one biological child of my own. Remind myself that this may not have been how I pictured becoming a Mom, but I can not picture not being a mother.  Remind myself that this might not be the way I envisioned it but this is the way it is going to happen. I may not be able to physically carry my child in my body, but the overwhelming amount of love I already hold in my heart will pour out the minute my baby is placed into my arms. That baby will be more loved and will be able to read and hear about how wanted they are. So for me, the weight is over in more ways than one. Although the weight on the scale may be easier to get off than the weight in my heart, in time it will happen. It is a work in progress, everyday gets a little easier. Focusing on the positive and moving forward. Keep calm and carry on, right? Florence and the Machine said it best; "And its hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off." I'm putting on my dancing shoes.....