Sunday, August 9, 2015
July 26, 2015
It has been a while since we have talked, and for that I am sorry. It is so hard some days and I miss you so much that I can not even concentrate on the world around me. I wish you were here to have this conversation instead of me having to send this letter. I wish you here to see all the things I have done. To see the big moments; to see me fall in love, graduate, get married. Or more importantly for all those small moment; to dry my tears when I am crying, hold my hand when I am scared, and laugh alongside me at the funny moments. Instead, I sit here, sixteen years after our last day together. Realizing that I have now lived as much of my life without you as I did with you.
All I can remember is the lasts, the last hug, the last kiss, the last conversation. And I sit here wishing we had time for one more last. Maybe if I had known how hard life would be without you I would have appreciated time with you more. Maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to let go. Sixteen years with you was not enough time. I need you to know that I love you but I can't help that a small part of me is angry. Not so much with you, but with myself. Angry that I didn't say I love you more, mad that I didn't understand how much I needed you, and how much it was going to hurt to live without my mom. Growing up without my mother left me broken. Piece by piece I picked myself back up and had to fill all the holes that you leaving left. I spent so many years trying to fill the huge emptiness in my heart that I didn't think was ever possible to heal. I needed you to tell me it was going to be okay, to tell me when I was making mistakes, and be my cheerleader when I was close to giving up. I had to learn to instead be my own hardest critic, my own fan club, and my own worst enemy at times.
With that being said, I need you to know that I understand that you're here as much as you can be. I can literally look at pictures of myself and see your smile in mine. I feel you in the warm sunshine and in the cool fall breeze. I search for you in the moments I need you most, thinking of what you would tell me to do. You were by far the strongest person I have ever met. You fought and lost a battle that was bigger and stronger than you, but never once complained. You lived a short life but managed to touch everyone you met in that brief time. Everyone that knew you was better simply by being around you. You lit up a room with your smile and warm personality. You were nurturing and loving and made everyone around you feel at ease. You made all of the little things become big things; every celebration, large or small, never went unrecognized. You were thoughtful and always knew the right things to say at the time everyone needed it. Your life may not have been long enough to teach me all of the lessons a daughter needs from her mother; but you still managed to instill the important ones. Because of you, I know that everyone needs someone to make them feel special. I know to appreciate all of the little things, because those are the ones that matter the most. I know that a smile is the best accessory you can wear. I know that laughter is the best medicine, and can heal more than you think. You taught me to love with my whole heart, no matter how scary that might be, because life is short and love is powerful. You are the one who showed me to always search for the silver lining, because every situation presented is a lesson. I search to find the good around me in the worst of times to remind myself that there is always something to be thankful for. Because of you, I will be an amazing mom. I will hold my child every second that I can. I will teach my child all of these valuable lessons and tell them that their grandmother loves them. I will be sure to tell my child that I love them every chance I get. I am writing letters to my child so that should the day arise that I am not present with them, that they can read the things I longed to hear from you on my most important days.