Saturday, May 7, 2016

To All The Childless Mothers

Dearest you,
       I had to write this to you, today of all days, because today you need to read this. You need to hear what I am about to tell you and more importantly believe it. Today is one of "those" days, the days where you wish laying in bed all day and pushing pause on life was an option. Even better, maybe fast forward to tomorrow, past another one of "those" days. These days we all dread and cringe thinking about...not that everyday isn't hard but there is something almost punishing and downright cruel about having to celebrate a day that you absolutely long to be a part of. I personally have avoided thinking about this day for years, and in these most recent years since being married and ready to start a family, since we do not have a child. Since my surgery, taking away my ability to have a baby, Mothers Day has been a cruel reminder of that painful fact. The surgery took away illness, but also my chance of becoming a mom the way I desired.

In addition to the empty hole in my heart on this day for the child I do not yet have, the remainder of my heart aches for my mom. Since her death, Mothers Day has always been a hard day. A day that I attempted to forget. For me it was too hard, too upsetting to think about not having her here, to be reminded yet again that I was a motherless daughter. It took many years, until I met my mother in law, to be reminded of what the true meaning of mothers day is. To be thankful for each and every moment that we have and had with our mothers. To be appreciative of all the wonderful attributes and lessons our mothers passed onto us. All the sacrifices, tears, smiles, and laughs that she shed turning us into the women we are today. Our mothers are part of the reason we long to become mothers ourselves. Because we have seen what true love looks and feels like. Because these brave women taught us to be thoughtful, caring, and strong. Even in my mothers last moments, as she lay dying, she never stopped worrying about us. In our final conversation, she was worried about us. She wasn't scared to die, or lose her battle with cancer, she was scared to leave us. To leave behind her children, before any of us were ready.

Every child needs their mother, and it has been hard growing up without one. Even in her absence, I have learned so many lessons from my mom, I am lucky enough to have so much of her in me, I can see her in my reflection, in my smile, and hear her sarcastic humor that always had everyone around her laughing. The thoughtful nature, of giving every ounce of myself to anyone I love, is all her. To aim to make everyone feel loved and at ease, is my Mom. The ability to see the positive in every situation, is completely owed to my mom. She taught me that there is always something good, even in the bad. The best way to remember her is to continue living, continue smiling, and continue loving.

With that being said, I always attempt to find the good, so here it is. It is hard. It is painful and it hurts. When you walk by the babies with their mothers and blink back the tears that instantly form. When you cringe at the invites to baby showers, and feel an embarrassing twinge of jealousy as you view pregnancy announcements and dreaded ultrasounds. I know the pain of wishing for a mothers day to come addressed to you, to hope for the day that you will a mother. When you ache to be a mother, and to hold a beautiful reflection of yourself and your spouse in your arms. The day you will be able to fill that empty spot in your arms, and in your heart. I know what it is like to feel broken, and unable to be fixed. Here comes the good, the "cure" to all this pain. The light at the end of this cold dark tunnel.

You are not broken. You are amazing. You are kind, and thoughtful, and loving. You are so incredibly strong, you have been fighting, wishing, and hoping to become a mother. But let me tell you already are. Have you ever loved someone, so much, that your heart feels like it may explode? Have you ever wiped away the tears of another, and comforted them until the pain disappeared? Have you ever listened to a friend, sibling, lover, and helped them to fight a battle they needed help with?

There you have it, the definition in black and white. No where does it say anything about giving birth to, or conceiving. Because being a mother is much more. Being a mother takes sacrifice, and love. A mother is a role that one earns, it is not given. You have already earned the title, and in time you will be given the rest. I know this to be true, because you have already fought and would  give your entire being for a little human that you have not even been promised yet. You may not yet have a baby in your arms, but they are in your heart, your full, loving heart. You, my beautiful you, you are a mother. So, Happy Mothers Day!!!

                                                                                    A fellow Childless Mother

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